Thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to share your thoughts, and for propping me up during a rough time. I have read your responses over and over and they fill me with hope.
One good thing about all this anger is that it’s made me realise how weak my boundaries have been. I stayed up until 2am last night talking with my sister during her last night in town. She suggested I write down where I draw the line on big issues and refer to this if I feel conflicted on a course of action. She also pointed out that it’s a way to give myself permission to stand up for what I believe in. I can then act with fairness and reason rather than emotion.
- I am not obliged to consider or even respond to H’s proposed changes to the custody arrangement - I will not tolerate manipulation and guilt from H or his family about the custody arrangement - I am not required to maintain a relationship with H’s family if it is detrimental to my well-being - I am entitled to information about my child’s care when he is not in my custody - I do not need to explain my decision to be NC with H to his family
Today S1 refused to nap. I was tired after the late night with my sister, and we had spent a fun but long morning at the waterpark with my cousins and kids, so I was really counting on that time to catch up on sleep myself. He normally goes down without fuss, but today he cried and whinged, asked for cuddles, wanted his grandparents, and was generally unsettled. After an hour of trying to get him to sleep, I found myself so frustrated that I gave up. I didn’t show him I was frustrated - who knows what was going on in his little brain. I just held him, sang to him, talked to him, until I called time on the whole operation.
A memory of H came out of this frustration. A few months before BD, I went to see Book of Mormon with a friend. S1, who had just turned one, was sick. I had asked H to give him medicine throughout the evening and make sure he wasn’t left to cry himself to sleep.
I checked in once and received “all’s well” before arriving home to blazing lights and a screaming baby at 1am. H was asleep in our room with a pillow over his head to block out the screaming. I picked up S1 and stormed into the room saying “what the f are you doing?” H moaned that S1 had been waking up every hour screaming. Apparently, H had tried everything and S1 wouldn’t stop screaming, so he stopped trying. I told him I was disgusted with him and went to calm S1 and put him to bed.
He apologised the next day. I told him that I was incredibly disappointed that he would neglect an innocent, sick baby. He brought up that we had left S1 to cry in bed in the past. I said yes, that was for a reason (sleep training) and under controlled conditions. He continued to argue and downplay his actions. I said the bottom line was that S1’s needs must come first, no matter how tired or frustrated you feel. He begrudgingly agreed.
