W came to pick up the kids today, headed to see her family in her hometown. There are some health issues going on with her family.
W: Have you looked at any mediators?
Me: I did, last month, but you didn't want to use any of them.
W: I thought about asking MC2 about a different set of mediators. But you said you don't want to go back to MC2. Can I ask why?
Me: (after a pause) Because I'm not interested in continuing this child safety c***. I thought we were going to MC2 to work on the MR. But it never happened.
W: Can we go for at least one session to work out our schedule with the kids? We have nothing after the next 2 weeks [because she has not counter-proposed to my proposal].
Me: (no response)
W: (starts crying) The last few days have been really hard. Sorry I've been avoiding talking with you.
Me: I understand, it's hard, it's the holidays.
The tears came as soon as I stood up for myself.
Originally Posted by LH19
U,
I think what gets lost sometimes is that our spouses know us better then anyone in the world. Couple that with probably years of seeking an exit strategy they become mastermind manipulators and I am sorry to say your wife may be the queen of them.
She got you to move out, tricked you into thinking you were attending MC, used a couple bad moments to paint you as a child abuser and refuses to seek employment. Then every time you start to stand up for yourself she throws you a little bone like the Christmas gift and crocodile tears to try to real you back in.
I know it’s hard to see probably from where you’re sitting but you are going to be financially ruined if you keep this up. War is lurking in the future. Do you want to sit back and see your men slowly picked off one by one or do you want to get the tactical advantage and go in guns a blazing?
LH ~ I've always appreciated your concise honesty. You have a way of drilling straight to the truth. The tears came back today and I felt nothing. Just calm. I'm ready to get this moving.
Originally Posted by FlySolo
Don't give up on mediation - this is to help you. I know the phrase may be overused, but working on you really is the only way through this. Learning to navigate the ebbs and flows so the slings and arrows she throws do not cause you to go into an emotional spiral will help you in the long run, with or without an R. It will help you separate an emotional response (b***ch) from a rational one (identifying actions which demonstrate you are not a bad parent).
The truest thing anyone has ever said to me is MC only works if both parties are working towards the same goal, i.e. R. Next MC session I would ask your W (clearly and without any blame) what she wants to get out of it. What is her goal?. If it is not R, then (right now) there is no point. If you still feel that the M is worth saving, then say so, but don't sit there and take her sh!t unless she is doing it so that you can build a better M.
Oh, and get a lawyer. LH is right, you need to protect yourself.
I'm absolutely getting a L. Waiting to hear back as a matter of fact.
She has no intent of R'ing in MC. So I'm stopping it. I think her goal is managing a long separation while the kids are young so she can avoid going back to work as long as possible. She has never actually stated a goal. But it's clearly not to work on the MR.
I still have my emotional reactions to the slings and arrows, but I feel more clarity now.
