6 months of MLC

[DnJ]

Hello cardinal

It is very good the idea of non-judging yourself and H. That’s quite a sage viewpoint you have, it will serve you well and leads to acceptance.

In terms of detachment finding a non judgemental attitude or outlook does give one a boost in all this.

You hit the nail right on the head about indifference. It’s numbness is at first - okay and scary. You know what indifference feels like now. Next time you can reinforce those realized feelings of numbness while still culturing compassion.

And yes, the release of trying to control is one of the key steps in this process.

... compassionate indifference also means giving up wishing I could step in and fix things.

Something to consider for you.

I found giving up something doesn’t really work. It’s impossible (or really really hard) to give up a desire. I wrote a lot about wishes, hope, and expectations and the ties between them all. It’s all desires, just with varying degrees of fantasy/reality and timeline/deadline or not.

For example, I wish I could step in and fix my XW. That is a desire I have. I have relegated it firmly into the wish category. It lives in the fantasy and highly improbably or impossible to happen realm. It is a wish, and no where close to a hope or expectation.

Hope is less wishful and more reality. Still a desire. Hope is born from the possibilities of the unknown and unwritten future.

Expectations are desires with a timeline or deadline. They are basically hopes that have a time frame, a deadline. The problem with that is a deadline is just that - a point when hope dies. Unmet expectations cause resentment which builds and builds. The only reasons hope would be unmet is if one places a deadline or timeline on it.

Hope lives in the realm between fantasy and reality, between expected impossibility and expected certainty. Some look upon hope as weak and remaining stuck. I assure you it is quite the opposite. Seeing the hope within a situation, sees the better possible futures and outcomes. One just needs to place their focus where it should be. I’m pretty sure you know where that is.

You need not give up on your desires; I don’t believe one can really extinguish them. However, one can acknowledge and categorize them, and learn how to live with them.

This next part about setting aside time to feel what's going on is a little fuzzier to me.

Really. It disturbs, and uncouples the irrational connection between feelings and event (or pending event in this case). It also builds the realization that the feeling/event is not cause and effect.

What does it mean, I am asking myself, to separate my feelings surrounding, for example, my H potentially filing for D, from the event itself?

The rational and purposeful uncoupling of our irrational emotions to a future event is one of the hardest things to learn. And is it ever worth the effort to figure out.

This uncoupling is similar to letting go of fear. Fear is easier to see; the links between a potential outcome and the feelings associated with it. Not caused by it - associated with it. You see the potential outcome hasn’t happened, and may never happen. But we are afraid of it, paralyzed by it. Fear is a tangled web of irrational and rational thoughts and feelings. Being accurate when untangling helps immensely.

If that event were to happen - what’s left to fear? It happened. Now it is just a concern and a problem (or not) which one can solve or resolve.

The idea of the possible future event triggers an emotional response. Much like how our spouse’s behaviour and actions do while we struggle to find detachment. That trigger from spouse to uncontrolled emotional response is what one is working on disrupting and basically re-wiring.

Forcing yourself to look at this at a time when your irrational response is not active allows for a different point of view. Much like hope, you can see other possible outcomes. One slowly gains control over their emotional reactions, breaking or uncoupling the event, the trigger, and the response.

Mental assertiveness - sword and shield.

That lingering fear: I don't want to look back on this time as I do now on my M and wish I would have done X or Y differently! But... I'm human. I at least need to feel like I'm doing my best right now—for H, for keeping any future possibilities open, and for myself.

Have faith.

Focus on you. Do the inner work. Become the best version of yourself. Be compassionate and find forgiveness.

All of that is for you!

I guarantee, you do that and you will not look back with regrets of time wasted, nor wish you had done x or y.

You will find H and your marriage are not even in the equation. And yet the very letting go and growth may well be the very thing that allows a future reconciliation to happen. Counterintuitive.

The unwanted path that all LBS’s were force upon is an incredible opportunity, one that most people will never experience. Walk your journey and find all the blessings that await you.

There was a time I felt I’d never ever say those words and see things that way. I’ve never been so wrong.

Have faith.

DnJ