The only thing that makes sense to me is an analogy I used to make when I first came here. I felt like our MR was Earth, and my W was building a rocket to launch into orbit, and she needed as much anger and resentment as she could gather as fuel. It didn't matter where it came from, she just needed it. I thought, "If I just weather this storm, things will eventually get better, she will see that I have changed." None of that happened.
This is a good analogy which fits many of our sitch's. Thank you for sharing it. I think what is missing is the realisation that the anger and resentment you talk of didn't suddenly come out of no-where to fuel her escape. It was silently harboured over a number of years and only gained a voice in the months leading up to BD. By the time it came out it, it had lived inside her for so long it had taken on a different form, one divorced from reality. Not taking the garbage out once too often became a sign of your innate selfishness, not getting her the gift she hinted at became you never listening to her. In her head, each single event becomes symbolic of a universal trait.
In the months after BD, any attempt at change will be seen as 'too little too late' or an attempt to manipulate her into coming back. Her mind is caught in a negative spiral, one where everything you do is wrong. Take the garbage out = too little too late; buy her a nice gift = trying to win her back. The only thing that may work is consistency and space. And with that, the key word is 'may'.
Don't give up on mediation - this is to help you. I know the phrase may be overused, but working on you really is the only way through this. Learning to navigate the ebbs and flows so the slings and arrows she throws do not cause you to go into an emotional spiral will help you in the long run, with or without an R. It will help you separate an emotional response (b***ch) from a rational one (identifying actions which demonstrate you are not a bad parent).
The truest thing anyone has ever said to me is MC only works if both parties are working towards the same goal, i.e. R. Next MC session I would ask your W (clearly and without any blame) what she wants to get out of it. What is her goal?. If it is not R, then (right now) there is no point. If you still feel that the M is worth saving, then say so, but don't sit there and take her sh!t unless she is doing it so that you can build a better M.
Oh, and get a lawyer. LH is right, you need to protect yourself.
