"Walking out of the Valley" 2.0

[hoosjim]

GAL and 180s are your constant and your reality. They are for YOU regardless of your marital status and you should be doing them AT ALL TIMES.

Because they are for YOU, you need to be doing them EVEN IF you "go dark" with your WW. If you are doing them right, and continuously and sincerely (I.e. for YOU and NOT just to make an impression on your WW), they WILL come to your W's attention... As will the fact you are ignoring her. You are both parents of your children, so she WILL still be exposed to you and what you're doing even if you are "dark". Plus, You live in a small community, so others will notice the changes in you and relay them to her even if she doesn't see first hand. Finally, it can be good for her NOT to know what you are up to-- WW: "hey phnix, I came by the house last night, where were you?" You (smiling): "out". Be mysterious and evasive. And confident.

If she refuses to leave you need to be ready to put the house on the market. Don't know that I would be the one filing for divorce, leave that up to her. But she is not respecting your boundary so she needs to be out of your house. If she won't leave the one you have, that means you sell it and buy a smaller one for you and the kids.

Absolutely separate your finances, immediately. Cancel all joint cards, or at least have her taken off the ones on which you are the primary. Same with checking accounts. You will not allow your money to be used in supporting her affair or her ability to carry on that affair (boundary).

Reread the DB book sections on Beyond the Last Resort because that's where you are. Also Sandi's Rules.

And yes, you do need to ask yourself if you could ever take her back Knowing what you know.