what should a stander do, exactly?

[DnJ]

Hello G

Breathe buddy. Just breathe. You will get through this.

I’ve got a couple of questions, if you don’t mind.

W moved out three weeks ago, right?

So you live in the house? Where do D23, S21, D15, D4, and S3 all live? I am guessing the three youngest still live with you in the house. Maybe even all the kids do.

MLCers do turn distance and cold. They have to, it allows them to run. Your W is looking for any reasons to further her justifications for leaving and jumping to this new life. Her memes on FB, and her shedding some dead weight could be a shot at you. Most likely it is her talking herself into what she is doing.

She is irrational right now, and will be for some time. She is on full emotional overload. She feels her life is a mess, she doesn’t know why, and she blames you, the kids, the colour of the sky, whatever it takes, so she can run to her new life. My XW blamed me for the furnace blowing air on her. MLCers are irrational, don’t expect her to make rational decisions.

Do as you have been and do not respond to her taunts on FB.

Most MLCers become terrible parents. They also choose a favourite child and it follows they choose a least favourite. The hierarchy of favourite kids does change especially when the child does not do what the MLCer wants or expects.

D15 it would seem is Mom’s favourite at the moment. Both are acting like 15 year old girls. And 15 year old girls will and do fight. Mom and daughter will have fireworks, stay out of it. Both will blame you. One is an actual teenager who is growing up and needs to push against her authority figure, that’s you by the way. The other is your W, who also needs to grow up. Neither is ready to accept their role in any conflicts. You daughter however is behaving just like a teen should and will learn and grow. Your W is unknown.

All the kids will feel responsible for what is going on between you and W, and their Mom’s abandonment. Their level of self blame will be dependent upon them, their emotional understanding, and their ability to cope. D23 and S21 are both old enough to understand what Mom is doing and can express their anger and displeasure of her behaviour. D4 and S3 are young and are more resilient than you probably figure. It’s D15 who is at an age that will be the big challenge.

Provide love and guidance to you children. Be their rock, their stability, what they can rely upon. Discuss the situation with them, age appropriately of course. Don’t worry, they will ask questions if you open the door.

My daughter was 15 when XW left, much like your daughter. My boys were 17, 19, and 21. We are currently two years passed bomb drop and abandonment.

A few things to consider, for all the kids, but right now it seems D15 is your greatest concern. This does apply to the others, with some modifications depending on events.

D15 is going to blame you. It’s irrational. Do not argue the point with her. She needs to blame someone. And she cannot risk loosing her Mom, and since you are the sane and stable parent you are going to get it.

Don’t worry it isn’t forever. D15 has a lot of anger towards her Mom, which she can’t express to her, you know yell at her. So she has to project it onto you. Listen, be kind and calm, and stay rational. D15 will take her cues from you. Your demonstrated behaviour is the light your kids will follow. D15 will open up to you, ensure you are strong and ready.

In my situation S17 was very angry and I got it. I received rebellious attitude that would be for Dad and the attitude that should have been for Mom. Double doses of anger and grief as well. I did get in the middle of S19 and Mom, oh boy, did that go sideways fast. Both blasted me.

Advice - protect your kids, but stay out of their relationship with their Mom. Your job is not to facilitate their relationship. Your job is to not destroy it. Mom and child have to figure out their relationship. You just keep the young ones safe.

My D15 become colder and distance. She at first hung out with Mom. So wanting her Mom in her life. She had no illusions of wanting to actually live with Mom and OM, just wanted a taste of what was ripped away from her. Eventually she saw through Mom, and how she was just a pawn in her Mom’s game. I’ve watch them ignore and fight each other just like teenage girls do. Mom is much worse than daughter. Two years later, D17 has grown much and understands her Mom. XW not so much growth, of course she doesn’t have a role model, nor the desire to grow up. Children are very perceptive and will see through their Mom’s facade in time.

A word on no contact. I am glad to see you realize that NC is for you to heal. NC allows you the space from W to work towards detachment.

... has nothing to do with her and everything to do with my personal growth as a LBS. but I hate it, I cant wait to be happy and confident that what the Lord wants to happen, will happen.

Breathe.

Dig for patience.

Remember, you have the gift of time, use it well.

I do empathize and remember just how much I hated what I was going through. I also felt that “I can’t wait”. A suggestion/advice for you.

Your mind is always listening. The little things you say accumulate and will make progress or impede progress. For example using the word can’t. Very few things are truly “can’t”. I can’t get pregnant is a valid one. “I can’t wait to be happy” is actually I don’t want to wait...

Your mind makes your reality. When you say you can’t do something, your mind will make that so.

I don’t want to wait - is accurate and shows that waiting is possible although unwanted. The next and better version is “I can wait to be happy and confident again. I know it is coming and I will make it.” Please try that on. Say it out loud right now. Re-read that sentence out loud.

How does that make you feel? How does that make you think?

Words are powerful. Can, can’t, will, won’t, try, do - choose and use well. Try is an interesting word. It allows for, and I would even go so far to say to predisposes, one to fail. Do, is a better choice, a better mindset. Failure can still happen when using the mindset of doing, and that’s ok, we learn from failure. It’s just “try” has to easy a way out, and some of the stuff you need to “do” is difficult and “trying” is not the same as “doing”.

Your mind is listening, all the time. It will make your reality. Be accurate and true in thought and heart.

Do focus on you and your kids.

Be strong G. You can do this.

DnJ