Feeling kinda strange lately, probably a mix of the holidays and what's coming next.
My W's recent comments about my safety as a parent (again) felt like the last straw. They happened a week ago, yet I remain feeling the same... a calm anger. I can't even imagine what 2020 may bring once we start proceeding with the D. Emotionally it is going to take me a long time to recover from this experience. I feel betrayed, I feel like I am incapable of trusting another person and may never reach that place again.
I am guilty of mind-reading my W, which I learned early on in my situation to stop doing. But I'm back at it a bit. I'm seeking to understand.
When things went south with my mom several years ago, I sought understanding. I wanted to understand why she was so toxic in so many relationships (not just mine, but everyone near her). I feel like I have a good understanding of her issues now, which has helped me develop empathy for her. There is a consistency to her actions and behaviors. They are unhealthy, but they make sense.
In my W's case, I just don't understand. I'll never understand. It is hard for me to empathize without that understanding. I do empathize with the fact I could have been a better H. But I don't empathize with her victim narrative.
If I understood, maybe I would have some empathy today, maybe I wouldn't feel like I am left with no choice at this point. But I have nothing left.
The only thing that makes sense to me is an analogy I used to make when I first came here. I felt like our MR was Earth, and my W was building a rocket to launch into orbit, and she needed as much anger and resentment as she could gather as fuel. It didn't matter where it came from, she just needed it. I thought, "If I just weather this storm, things will eventually get better, she will see that I have changed." None of that happened.
Up until 2 weeks ago, I would have said, "I want to try mediation. I want to stop being conflict-avoidant. I want to handle this maturely, stand up for myself, and negotiate a fair and respectful deal for all of us."
Today, I think, "Mediation cannot work with someone who demeans me as a parent, and thinks I should go to counseling due to safety concerns. I need a lawyer. I also need to stop going to MC2, as it is merely a forum for my W to perpetuate her narrative in front of someone who validates it, and I am no longer interested in participating when there has been zero effort to work on the MR."
I don't know why all of a sudden I am done. But I am. It feels anti-DB and pro-DB all at the same time. It's a weird feeling.
