Originally Posted by Woosa
Originally Posted by HopeCA
Afterward when we were putting D4 to bed, she said “I love you guys so much and I just can’t choose who I want to put me to bed!” I assured her she doesn’t have to choose and she pulled us both in for a big group hug and gave us both lots of kisses.

omg this part made me cry. That is the both the sweetest and the saddest thing I've ever read here. I'm sorry that you're going through this, but I'm glad that your daughter is still getting lots of love from both of you


Hi Woosa,

I cried so much after she said that. I went into the other room and closed the door and sobbed hard for a few minutes. It was so so sweet—she said it almost gleefully—-but my god did it break my heart. I give a lot of credit to myself and even to H for this aspect of things. After some bumps in the road early on, we have really managed to ease our daughter through all of this as best as can be imagined (I think? I hope). The fact that we both embraced her and allowed her to get us into a group hug without pausing likely spoke volumes for her on a subconscious level. I hope and believe that more than anything else we gave her the message that we both love her more than anything, and that she never has to make a choice when it comes to loving mom and dad. Well, now Im crying again. And praying that what I just wrote proves to be true no matter what happens.

Hi Cardinal,

I plan to read your sitch all the way through as soon as I can, and I’ll def respond more there. Yes, I definitely, waaaaay more than sufficiently made it clear to H that I didn’t want a D from the beginning. Once it actually started happening (a year and a few months in) I was so fed up that I accepted it matter of factly as a default reaction. That level of detachment didn’t last long, I’m afraid. We had our first appearance in November. Between his filing and that appearance we had almost no material communication about the agreement. I was literally wondering if he even remembered the scheduled that the court date existed the night before. The morning of, he was texting me trying to get me to agree to things, literally an hour before we went in. Yeah, that wasn’t going to happen. So we went in with literally no update to give. We had done nothing. It was open court so it was a room full of couples in various stages of dissolution giving their statues updates to a judge. It went on for hours and would have been extremely boring had it not been so excruciating. I cried the entire time. After ward I texted my H and didn’t hold back, telling him how I feel about all of this and about us etc. That’s when he shocked me by telling me about his wavering and his confusion etc.

At that appearance the judge was required to give us another status check in date. We were offered 30, 60 or 90 days. He picked 60. That date (which I neglected to even make note of because I was so upset) is sometime in early January. We have not spoken of it or anything related even once. And here I am. Since you live near me, you can likely expect similar, should it come to that and barring some other possibilities that I’ll address on your thread. I’m sorry you’re here, and I hope I can be helpful!

Hi May,

I’ve been following your sitch closely smile Does my H recognize the way he compartmentalizes and justifies? Not historically. Until very very recently he demonstrated little to know introspection or self awareness at all. (It’s disturbing, actually, and was another major source of conflict between us). His recent glimpse of self awareness and introspection has been refreshing, relieving, and frustrating at once. His admitting to feelings of wavering etc were a complete and utter shock to me.



Originally Posted by may22

I don't know if this is helpful or worthwhile or not... but for what its worth, months passed between my H stating he was thinking he wanted out/ "I love you but I'm not in love with you", wanted to seriously consider divorce and moving out and finally admitting he was involved in an emotional affair...All this to say, I wouldn't automatically believe him that the OW started after he moved out. He may not have started actually dating her, but it could have been a factor.


Ive thought about this so much over the months. He is not a good liar, and thanks to my attachment issues I am what they call “hyper vigilant” aka a bit of a human lie detector (it has its pluses and minuses). I can usually rely on my ability to tell when someone is lying. That said, I’m also just a flawed human so, grain of salt. From the beginning, I didn’t doubt that he had met her after he moved out. I took his word for it for about a year. After he filed for D I asked him to level with me, because there wasn’t any real reason to lie anymore. He stuck to his story, that they met a few months after he moved out. At the time it seemed all was lost in my sitch, so I grilled him and he was oddly accommodating. I was matching dates, texts, convos he and I had, the whole thing. All said and done, I truly believe that they met after he moved out. I could absolutely be wrong and be a fool! I do trust my gut though, because it’s all I have and it’s rarely misled me when someone’s honesty is in question. Allllll that said, none of it mattered all that much because the utterly soul destroying pain was the same, I imagine. When I found out about OW I was completely destroyed and functioning at a bare minimum level ie parenting and that’s literally it. It was horrific and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Again, I believe him on this one, and again, I could totally be wrong.

To your other point, yes, there is absolutely a piece of this that is my H having a fantasy of what life/marriage/women could be like outside of us. I remember thinking that when we’d fight and he’s complain about things and I’d say “you have this idea that there are all these women out there who won’t have these expectations of you and I really think your kidding yourself”. I think he thought/thinks that it’s just that I’m difficult/controlling/rigid/want too much and that an easier life with an easy going woman is out there for him. And you’re right, that IS hard to compete with, maybe even harder than an OW. All I can do on that one is hope he realizes that is a fantasy, and that true partnership involves give and take, and that any smart, strong woman is going to have expectations of her partner...

Your NYE idea is not a bad one! I bet it would bother him if I went out dressed up and didn’t tell him where I was going. I’ll work on that wink. I’ll respond on your thread too! You’ve been insanely leave headed about your sitch, and I commend you.