Scout's QLC journey #2

[DnJ]

Hello scout

You are doing great.

You do not define yourself by H’s actions or words, nor the status of your marriage. You define you. Well done!

I support your choice to announce the unexpected end on FB and the open house was an excellent idea. I am proud of you. It was very good to see you didn’t include nor demonize H in the announcement.

I’m trying to allow this happen as a natural step in the healing process. I have DnJ in my ear telling me to be compassionate and forgiving, etc. Well, I can’t get there yet.

I know you know this - it takes time.

Achieving compassion and forgiveness is firstly so much for you. Secondly, those are not expected to happen quickly, they are long term goals. I do believe that once you find them, especially forgiveness, you will be astounded at when you actually started to feel and believe them. They require maintenance and upkeep, like anything, including faith. They becomes a way of life.

“Can’t get there yet” is exactly it. The journey is the power and force of this, not the destination.

I read your views and what you are doing. You are not a gal who sits in denial, you push back that clouding curtain and look to face whatever is there. Honestly scout, you cannot fail on your path. Keep your headings.

I know the only way out is through. So I am just dealing with it. I let it out through talking and writing. One of my plans for the new year is to create a yoga/mediation room for me and S1 in one of my spare rooms. I’m going to fill it with mats, cushions, plants, inspirational artwork. I might put a punching bag in there as well.

Throat punch that punching bag. Lol.

I am still processing so much anger whenever I have a spare mental moment. Mainly when driving the car or trying to sleep. I find myself muttering or cursing under my breath non-stop, like a nervous tic. Imaginary conversations with H where I destroy him with my words. Sometimes I even fantasise about punching him in the throat next time he drops S1 off.

Your throat punch comment caught me off guard. The imaginary conversations, the fantasied throat punch, are fine - shows a mind letting go, imaging and moving towards accepting. Do work the anger out, sweat it out. Yoga/mediation are good too. But a good old throat punch. (Sorry, but the mental image I have of H’s surprise while picking up S1 is humorous. Sorry, I’ll be good. <giggle>)

Yep, deal with it and let the anger pass. It will loose intensity and frequency, slipping away, as it becomes less and less reinforced.

I did have a wonderful Christmas and, as you pointed out, am fortunately removed from XW’s weirdness.

I am glad you are having a good Christmas and holiday time full of guests, friends, and family as well.

Stay strong girl. And yes - better not bitter.

DnJ