Thanks DnJ. It sounds like you had a beautiful Christmas with the family, plus the usual XW weirdness that you are fortunate to be removed from.
I posted an open house invitation to my Facebook page on the 23rd. I took the opportunity to thank people for their love and support since my marriage came to an unexpected end, and said I wanted to repay the kindness I had been shown by opening my home over Christmas.
I thought on this for a long time before deciding to announce it in this fashion, and it was the right choice for my situation. I’m not standing. I’m moving on, and I’m not bitter. There was nothing about H in the post. It was partly about taking ownership of my truth, but more about my desire to share, connect, and be generous.
There was an outpouring of well wishes and commendations in response to the post. Both public and private. I ended up with so many RSVPs that I have been juggling multiple visits every day, in between spending time with my family. It’s been so great. My little INFJ personality is looking forward to some alone time to recharge, but honestly - who could complain about having too many friends?!
Additionally, I am still processing so much anger whenever I have a spare mental moment. Mainly when driving the car or trying to sleep. I find myself muttering or cursing under my breath non-stop, like a nervous tic. Imaginary conversations with H where I destroy him with my words. Sometimes I even fantasise about punching him in the throat next time he drops S1 off.
I’m trying to allow this happen as a natural step in the healing process. I have DnJ in my ear telling me to be compassionate and forgiving, etc. Well, I can’t get there yet. I’m not a violent or angry person by nature. I believe that anger is a normal and healthy response to being emotionally violated, that it helps propel us into action when we feel powerless, and that it will pass. It’s just a little bit much to handle sometimes. Like a pot boiling over.
The first six months after BD were filled with shock, bewilderment, heartsick grief, trauma. So much energy spent trying to understand why, and how to fix it. Then uncovering the affair - a mini BD. Once the second round of emotional responses passed, the anger surfaced. I am fixated on my situation and how I feel about it all, but spend almost zero time thinking about H himself. I think that is progress.
I know the only way out is through. So I am just dealing with it. I let it out through talking and writing. One of my plans for the new year is to create a yoga/mediation room for me and S1 in one of my spare rooms. I’m going to fill it with mats, cushions, plants, inspirational artwork. I might put a punching bag in there as well.
I have a friend arriving any minute, so I will sign off here to go prepare a cheese and Christmas cookie platter. Sending my best wishes for happy and peaceful holidays to you all.
