Confused and Lost II

[KristinG]

Yail,

I am dreading it and also looking forward to not feeling so suffocated with the limbo. I, too, have been in this for over a year. We separated soon after she announced her feelings for OW. She moved 20 minutes away and within about a mile of OW. During the initial separation, she was telling me that they had not acted on their feelings and that she was unsure if she wanted OW or our MR. I failed miserably and did all of the things we are taught not to do. Begging, crying, trying to do everything to win her back, etc. She confessed to a PA in January. Throughout the last year, she has been back and forth between the both of us. Never ending contact with either of us, and feeling torn. She moved back in with me and ended contact with OW for about a month in mid summer only to miss OW and move back to a rental house closer to home. She ended any physical relationship we were having at that time. Since the beginning of summer I have been DBing without really knowing what DB is. Trying to give her space, work on myself, and have a PMA regardless of the outcome.

I recap all of this because I am really at a loss as to what to say and how to prepare. I definitely do not want a divorce, and neither does she. We have already been doing the "separation" thing. We still talk everyday and are together more often than not. We still say ILY, cuddle, and occasionally, she will kiss me. And yes, I know, these aren't healthy things to do with someone that is sleeping with someone else. This is why I feel the need for change. Even if it means that we end up divorcing, I cannot and do not have any desire to continue to feel like I'm not enough. I know I'm a catch. Not to toot my own horn, BUT TOOT TOOT MOTHER TRUCKERS!

My thinking is to sit her down and calmly explain that I am done living in an open relationship. Tell her to please respect my need for space and that I have some things I need to think about regarding moving forward for myself.

Then calmly, get up, and leave.

I don't know if she will reach out, although that tends to be her reaction. Very quickly. It terrifies me, because I have been so weak to this in the past. I gave her a letter in May detailing my need for her to end things or not contact me. One week later she did just that ended things with OW and called me in a panic. When I found out they were still sleeping together, I told her I needed space. Two days later and she was back in "Baby, I don't ever want to lose you" mode. It's been a whirl wind of emotions. So my gut says that she most likely will panic and end things to come home, only to waffle in her decision once again. I don't think my heart could take it again. I'm most scared of that reaction and how to respond so I don't get hurt again at that level.

Sorry for the long rant. January is quickly approaching and I don't want to start 2020 with heaviness and depression. KG is getting tired of dealing with the BS!

KG