Cardinal, you are doing great and this is really next-level stuff here. I love that you are taking it in and asking questions. When I see someone pushing the advice away or making excuses (you misunderstood, it's not like that, I'm not like that, he/she isn't like that, etc.) I worry. I know that person is going to spend some time in stuck and suffer more than they need to. I don't get that with you at all. I see someone doing a great job of processing a really sh&tty deal.
Sorry if I was vague. I was referring to OD. He was stuck for a long time and I think it was because I was stuck and not moving on. Now that he sees I've done that, he seems to be moving along much better. But who knows.
I love what DnJ said. Helped me understand my own distinction between detachment (which I've had a while) from indifference (which I reached some time over the late summer). For me, indifference is detachment without expectation. Last year I was detached when OD started his circle in, and I didn't handle it well because I still had expectations. Aha I thought, he we go. The limbo was killing me. So I pushed him, hard. And he ran hard and fully embraced his new life in every way possible. Do I regret it? Nope. I needed that and I think he did too. This time, I truly don't care what he does and I don't care how it works out. I know that I will be great with whatever happens because I've actually made a life for myself.
We all know we should detach, but it is hard and different for every person. Like pain, there are layers to it (like an onion). As DnJ said, it happens piecemeal. I have gotten the D papers. It was a bit of a gut punch even though I instigated it, but that quickly went away and I felt good about it. But then OD made it clear that it wouldn't happen without major drama and expense, so I let him undo it. I think the next time I'll still feel a punch, but it will dissipate even faster. I'm told you mourn the divorce even if you wanted it.
Take it day by day. It is an addiction. When it is accompanied with high drama (as my ending with OD was) then the addiction is more potent and lasts longer. When you are jonesing to contact him or mix it up with him, try to wait an hour. If you make that hour, make it three, if you make that, make it a day. Eventually the itch will stop. Every time I gave in to that itch I have regretted it.
Here's what I know. When you stop contacting them. They will contact you. OD messed with money and I freaked out. So he knew that's all he had to do. When I stopped freaking out, he stopped messing with money. Then he started with the lawyers and I freaked out. The next time he did it, I didn't respond at all. Guess what, he contacted me. I responded right away. Yes OD, if you want to talk to me you have to contact me yourself. Not do something crazy to make me contact you. When I see the cray cray, I go as silent as can be.
