Separated 1 Year+: Detaching(pt 2)

[may22]

Hi Hope,
I feel so much for you, even though the timing of our situations is different-- that feeling of being like old times and for a moment you can just forget all this is going on, and when D4 is so sweet and cute and happy with you both there-- it is utterly heartbreaking and so, so confusing.

He has an uncanny ability (for better or for worse, mainly worse IMO) to compartmentalize things and justify his choices at all costs. I believe (though I obviously could be completely wrong) that if I had continued on avoiding the family time for the sake of avoiding his cake eating, it would have allowed him to never look back.

My H is *exactly* the same. I can't recall a time where he made a significant life choice (or one was made for him) that he didn't turn in his head into the best thing that ever happened to him. Is this something that he recognizes? In light of this, it is pretty interesting that he has admitted to you his feelings of wavering.

I also think a difference between my sitch and yours is that my H has/had a mountain of resentments and anger toward me for issues in our R. Though he did start dating an OW shortly after he moved out, he was very clear that he was leaving me because he wanted out. I remember you specifically stating that your H never really wanted to leave in the first place, and was dealing with a limerance/affair sitch (please feel free to correct if I’m getting it wrong!) in my sitch, the OW was a symptom/natural consequence of Hs leaving and considering himself single and dating.

OMG! I have the best of both worlds-- my H is/was both full of resentment and anger towards me AND is completely limerent with another woman!

I don't know if this is helpful or worthwhile or not... but for what its worth, months passed between my H stating he was thinking he wanted out/ "I love you but I'm not in love with you", wanted to seriously consider divorce and moving out and finally admitting he was involved in an emotional affair with another woman. Both of us were traveling a lot between the two BDs, plus guests, so I think if circumstances had been different and I hadn't been so adamantly against him moving out he easily could have done so without me ever knowing that there was some level of overlap with her. He also minimized the relationship when he first told me about it (implied that it was someone he could imagine being involved with) and it is only in the past month or so that I've truly started to understand just how strong his limerence is. My H is someone who would never tell even the tiniest white lie and was disgusted by people who lied... and now is regularly lying or lying by omission. All this to say, I wouldn't automatically believe him that the OW started after he moved out. He may not have started actually dating her, but it could have been a factor.

Also, even if Plan A is no longer her, maybe for your H there is still the imaginary OW or life out there that he is scared will pass him by if he returns... even if it isn't another person, you're still dealing reality with bills and childcare and all the rest vs. his fantasy of what life might be like or might have been like if only he wasn't married. That might be even harder to compete with than an OW.

I'm not trying to be discouraging-- far from it-- and I'm grappling with a lot of these same issues in my own sitch so forgive me if I'm coloring yours with a brush that isn't appropriate. But, it does seem like your small steps of detaching are working. And maybe, if you're right that he isn't dating anyone right now, it might be a good time to take a stronger step towards detaching such that he gets a little worried.

Here's an idea-- can you find childcare for NYE and make your own plans to go out with friends? Even just drinking wine with friends at someone's house and watching the ball drop-- or inviting folks over to your house? He doesn't have to know what you're doing (and I know childcare is easier said than done-- though if Christmas Eve is normally his would NYE be his too?) but it isn't a holiday that you need to spend with D4, and rather than waiting around for him to maybe want to do something, you can have something already planned that you know will be fun and fulfilling for you.

Hang in there, Hope!! I'm rooting for you your sitch gives me hope as well.