I love your response to Own’s statement of counterintuitive. It is and was an Ah, finally! moment for all of us too. It remains counterintuitive right until it isn’t. And the by the way, it’s a gradual approaching of understanding, not a sudden moment. However, one’s realization that they finally got it, is a sudden moment.
It is similar for detachment and indifference. It takes time and patience as one uncouples their irrational attachment to their spouse and their antics, and a moment when one realizes that they are more detached than attached. It is also not an all or nothing kind of thing, we detach from certain behaviours and are fully in the grip of others - especially as they newly appear. This is the shown in your current situation regarding receiving D papers. That is new and needs to be felt, acknowledged, and accepted. It takes time. Be patient with yourself. A big reason why GAL is such an important piece of the healing process.
Originally Posted by cardinal
Why is it so difficult to wrap my head around what it means to detach not in the abstract, but in the concrete, day-to-day life kind of way? I think back to BD, and I see I've made progress in detaching, but as I feel I'm nearing closer to this new phase of receiving D papers, I feel I'm at square one again.
You said this so very well. “I feel I’m at square one again”.
But are you?
Think about that.
You can see all the progress you’ve made. You know you are doing well, you are detaching. You know you are passed square one.
Emotional detachment. It is the uncoupling of your irrational emotional reactions to H and his behaviours. Being detached stops the uncontrolled dragging your feelings around with whatever is happening, being said, or being done by H.
Seeing this intellectually can help with the process - which is to feel and acknowledge those irrational feelings. To rationalize your emotions, as counterintuitive as that sounds.
Indifference is the numbness that follows detachment. A non caring feeling towards one’s spouse. I found it to be so very helpful to do this in a compassionate manner. Finding compassionate indifference allows one to still care (our spouse is still a person after all), and not. I know sounds weird.
You can go about your day, concerned for H’s decisions, behaviours, etc... and realize (and believe - oh so very important to get this into one’s beliefs) that you don’t control him so he is responsible for his life choices and consequences.
A healthy compassionate detachment and indifference is one of the strong foundations that one’s healing and forgiveness is built upon - invest the time to do it well and kindly. It seems like a longer path at the beginning, but I believe it is much shorter overall. Of course that depends on one’s goals or destination they desire from their journey.
You are doing well, applying for new jobs, re-centering yourself, new routines, and such. The financial and legal ramifications of the pending divorce can, and does, pull one in. Mental assertiveness. This is business, treat it that way.
Of course you and I are not emotionless robots, so carve out some time to feel what is going on. Schedule it. Really. It disturbs, and uncouples the irrational connection between feelings and event (or pending event in this case). It also builds the realization that the feeling/event is not cause and effect. A scheduled time to look at upcoming divorce is intellectual car stuff, mostly. Some of the feelings that stir are not the same fear based emotions that surface at other times. This shows your mind and heart that there is more than just the one path, that it is possible to feel something else. And that is a big step.
Something else to consider is your addiction to H, to your M, to your relationship. All perfectly normal, and a good thing when all was going fine. As you detach, pull away from H, withdrawal sets in. Sorry, but it hurts. Again, time, patience, and mental assertiveness will see you through it. Stop snooping, stop following H on FB or other social media, stop looking at pictures and getting lost down memory lane, take pictures down around your house, etc..
Some concrete steps that can be taking, and there are other to be sure. All, some, or none need be taken by you - it is your choice. And the healing affect from each is hard to see at first. Myself, I blocked XW, and took down the pictures of us, the day the divorce was finalized.
Do I wish I did it sooner? I honestly don’t know. I don’t look back and wish about things I could have done differently. I am happy with who I am and where my life is. The time it took me to get here, the path - it’s all good. I am cognizant of my choices, and accept my benefits and consequences of them. To be sure, for a while it was not that way, not by a long shot! Time. It does work wonders.
You, my dear, are using your time wisely. Keep investing well, for it pays huge dividends in ways one cannot even comprehend when in the thick of things.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
