Thank you all, for taking the time to read and respond to my update!
Hi Blu,
I still update occasionally, when I actually have an update and when it feels healthy for me I’m glad you still update and post too! I agree with you completely, people need to feel the loss of things to want them back. In my sitch, over time, I’ve come to believe that for my H in particular he also needs to be reminded of what he’s missing in a material way. He has an uncanny ability (for better or for worse, mainly worse IMO) to compartmentalize things and justify his choices at all costs. I believe (though I obviously could be completely wrong) that if I had continued on avoiding the family time for the sake of avoiding his cake eating, it would have allowed him to never look back. I also think a difference between my sitch and yours is that my H has/had a mountain of resentments and anger toward me for issues in our R. Though he did start dating an OW shortly after he moved out, he was very clear that he was leaving me because he wanted out. I remember you specifically stating that your H never really wanted to leave in the first place, and was dealing with a limerance/affair sitch (please feel free to correct if I’m getting it wrong!) in my sitch, the OW was a symptom/natural consequence of Hs leaving and considering himself single and dating. (Yes I have PLENTY of my own feelings and opinions about all of that, but that’s a whole post in and of itself!) In other words, I think in my sitch H needed/needs opportunities to see and feel our M and family life in a different light, and to feel that it could potentially be good again. I might be wayyyy off Blu. As always, I welcome your thoughts/comments/2X4s!! As for your questions about our family time, they are good ones. I ask them of myself all the time, and I’m not sure I know the answers. If I knew for sure that this family time would not lead to Ring, would I still engage in it? Honestly, I don’t think so. If I knew for sure that we were headed for divorce/ H had never expressed wavering, I would PROBABLY not be engaging in the family time, as it wouldn’t be healthy for me. I know. YIKES. I also sometimes tell myself that it’s one more holiday season on the books for D4 in which she is with both of us and not pulled in two directions. I do feel good about that regardless.
Your other question is a different story. At this point, If I knew he was still with OW I would not be engaging in the family time, or any of the friendly warm stuff. If he was still with her after all this time I would definitely need to make a clean separation and let him live with his choices. A few months ago he told me indirectly that they are not dating anymore/it already fell apart, and that it never developed past a casual thing. I believe that. When he recently told me of his wavering feelings, one thing he expressed was that he’s been very lonely lately and that he doesn’t want that to be the reason he comes back. (Again, I have lots of thoughts and feelings I’ll save for another post). This leads me to believe that he has remained single since things with OW ended. Now, I am many things, but I am not naive. So I do of course find myself wondering if he is actively dating now. And to be honest with you Blu, when I think of all this family time against the backdrop of that possibility, I get PI**ED OFF. That thought fills me with anger and resentment. So does that mean I shouldn’t be doing it, knowing that scenario is a very real possibility, but still a hypothetical? I really really don’t know. Can you tell me Blu?? Haha.
Your last questions are also great ones. How do I think he’d react if I started dating someone else? I think I can guess how he’d FEEL, but I honestly don’t have any idea what it would mean for him or what he’d DO. I think it would bother him and I think he’d be jealous. I also think it would make him rethink his choices. I don’t know if he would allow himself to be motivated to action. He is such a passive, path of least resistance person (a major source of conflict in our M) that I wonder if he’d just let it happen and say oh well, I guess it’s really over. To be totally clear, at this point I’m not even against finding out. At this point, if someone interesting asked me on a date I would definitely go, and I wouldn’t feel bad about it. I wouldn’t start a relationship and if he open and honest about my situation, but I would allow myself to see what is out there if it presented itself. It just never does because I’m always with my daughter and have almost no adult time What would he do if I did a 180 and detached? Part of me thinks I have started in a small (infinitesimal) way to do that, and that tiny shift has had a positive effect. Though I’m not nearly detached, I’m inching my way closer to as the months go by. After our court appearance I FINALLY reached the checkpoint of actually believing that I will be ok if we get divorced. That has been HUGE for me. I don’t initiate or request any of the time we spend together. I don’t ask him about his life or volunteer info about mine. I am not emotionally detached from him, but I do my best to act as if I am. I’m thinking about this Blu. I’m trying to think of authentic 180s I could make toward detachment, for my sitch and for me. Do you have any suggestions???
Sorry for the loooonnnng post! I still want to respond to you Woods and Cardinal, so I’ll do so in another post shortly!
I’m glad you still update and post too! I agree with you completely, people need to feel the loss of things to want them back. In my sitch, over time, I’ve come to believe that for my H in particular he also needs to be reminded of what he’s missing in a material way. He has an uncanny ability (for better or for worse, mainly worse IMO) to compartmentalize things and justify his choices at all costs. I believe (though I obviously could be completely wrong) that if I had continued on avoiding the family time for the sake of avoiding his cake eating, it would have allowed him to never look back. I also think a difference between my sitch and yours is that my H has/had a mountain of resentments and anger toward me for issues in our R. Though he did start dating an OW shortly after he moved out, he was very clear that he was leaving me because he wanted out. I remember you specifically stating that your H never really wanted to leave in the first place, and was dealing with a limerance/affair sitch (please feel free to correct if I’m getting it wrong!) in my sitch, the OW was a symptom/natural consequence of Hs leaving and considering himself single and dating. (Yes I have PLENTY of my own feelings and opinions about all of that, but that’s a whole post in and of itself!) In other words, I think in my sitch H needed/needs opportunities to see and feel our M and family life in a different light, and to feel that it could potentially be good again. 
