If I write to her something sincere and loving she will tell me that I am playing psychological games on her, what does she mean by that?
She knows you better than anyone else. When you try various methods to get a desired reaction from her, then she may feel you are manipulating her.
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I told her that I would be caring not only for how I parent but also how she performs as mother.
She is already on guard against everything you say and do. She doesn't trust you. I suggest you not make reference about how she performs as a mother.
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So today as I gave my W the kids back she told me to never email her anything like that, that she knows my family puts pressure on me by attacking her (this is true btw) and that if I am going to be consistent to be on either that or loving her and telling her I failed. I started validating her feelings calmly and her answer was I was agreeing with her as you would agree with a mentally ill person. In a matter of minutes she was again on anger, she told me I had broken this family, I was the only one to deserve dirt on top and she only had left behind a person she does not love anymore and that is nothing to be criticized. She went on to say we will never ever argue again like this in front of the children or her new neighbors so she asked me to only talk about the kids. Specifically she said, "in the days coming now I will have them do not TM me or call, I only want to speak about the kids, I am making an effort to see you because I cannot even stand seeing your face"
I stood calm, I told her "I know I have made many mistakes and I know I was not the man you deserve. I am firm in reconciliation and the pursue of a satisfactory family life with you, that is what you will see". Today she looked fantastic, so did I but she really got me there. As always, she euphorically salutes our children and wouldn't even look me at the face. After the conversation/argument she left in anger and I told her she looked beautiful and I loved her while looking at her in the eyes.
Do you understand why she was so angry? Stop telling her all that stuff about pursuing a life with her. Stop talking about your mistakes and that you weren't the man she deserved. Stop telling her how she parent the kids. Stop telling her she looks beautiful and that you love her (especially, when she is storming off after an argument). She does not want to hear it, and she gets angrier when you continue this line of conversation. It is pursuit. This doesn't work, so stop doing it.
Your job is to change yourself. It's not your job to change her. You have to stop pressing her. You have to stop talking to her as if she is still your loving W. In other words, don't talk to her about personal things, feelings, love, MR, etc. Communicate politely about the children. Respect her wishes and don't text message. Don't discuss matters in front of the kids.
She wants more space. Do you understand what that means? She doesn't want to hear from you, nor see your face. Maybe in time, she will stop being so angry.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
