Confused and Lost II

[KristinG]

I hope everyone had a great Christmas. I spent mine with ww and her family. It was enjoyable, but also bittersweet knowing that this could be the last one. It felt a bit as though we were only together out of obligation and not any real sense of want. Lately, I am longing for intimacy. It is getting harder spending time with her and feeling like more of a friendship. She is more attentive to her phone than a nuke detonating right in her living room. I felt very alone despite spending 24 hours together. Just to fill you all in, I am preparing myself to leave her in January. It has become quite clear that it is unhealthy for me to continue in this toxic environment. I keep telling myself that we will never have a healthy relationship unless she really does some soul searching and growing. And that growth cannot and will not happen with me firmly planted as plan B. It is going to be the hardest thing I will ever do, and I have really been waiting until I know that I can and will stand by my request for space (with support from friends and everyone here). It only makes me feel weak and broken when I go dim or dark only to recant my position in a few days at her pursuit. This time, I need to continue the journey of healing for myself. I need to evaluate whether I want a future R with her.

KG