Before I address the phase "stirring the pot", I want to point out that the stages for MLC are just a guide. The stages are not linear, nor are the timelines that have been described by others set in stone. Each person is unique, their personalities and childhoods are unique and their coping skills are unique, therefore each person may have some similar traits/behaviors, but each will go through the crisis at their own speed, which is slow, and their behaviors can be totally different. There is no magical potion that will make their crisis go any faster and there is no "one size fits all". The best thing you can do is educate yourself on depression, as this is the main ingredient of MLC, educate yourself as much as possible on MLC by reading the postings here and on our other forums and keeping the focus on yourself by digging deeper for patience, compassion and understanding. This is not a sprint, but a marathon.
I had to go back through the postings to see what you were talking about with regards to stirring the post. "Stirring the post means to get a reaction from someone or something." This particular phrase was used by a former poster when she described the last three stages of a crisis, i.e., depression, withdrawal and acceptance that she used when dealing w/her own spouse's crisis. However, this is only her opinion and may or may not work in every situation. She also stated that "if the LBS allows the MLC'er to run roughshod over them, in this latter half of the crisis, it will turn into a cycle that loops around and around until broken..and each time it loops, it's harder to break...and it takes MORE time and MORE strength to try and break the cycle each time it's allowed to come about." In my opinion, that the "cycle" can happen any time throughout the crisis and that's why we encourage people to focus on themselves, their families and above all else, learn to detach from their behaviors and not over analyze what they say or do. We can break the cycle if we get off the merry-go-round of crazymaking behavior and detach. An example of "stirring the pot" could be that the MLCer is doing something totally unacceptable like lying, taking things from the home or emptying out the bank account, you call them on their behaviors, i.e., just as you would another person doing such things. The reaction could be positive or negative and it all depends on how you address the issues, i.e., in a calm manner versus pointing fingers and using an argumentative tone.
In my opinion by the time the MLCer has begun the final deep, dark depression, withdrawal and hopefully acceptance stages, the LBS has grown by leaps and bounds and has learned to detach and become more self confident and has the final say in whether they will reconcile or move on. When the MLCer gets to the final stage of waking up and beginning to reconnect w/others, they will have a lot of catching up to do because the LBS has already done the heavy lifting of learning how to live and accept themselves and their lives, i.e., they didn't go down into the rabbit hole like the MLCer did many years ago.
Your spouse has many months to go and you should not try to "stir the pot" to get reactions out of her at this time.
BTW, I removed the reference to the former poster's name as she no longer posts here and has her own business/ forum dealing with MLC and marital issues.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
