Shortly after my last post it was my birthday. I wasn’t feeling motivated to make plans, a few friends proposed a few ideas but all I really wanted was to be with D4. It fell on what is usually H’s time with her though, so I was prepared for it to go either way. H ended up texting me Happy birthday and asking again if I wanted him to keep D4 late so I could go out. I told him honestly that I wasn’t sure and that all I was really in the mood for was to be with D4. He suggested that he could bring her over and that he’d bring takeout and make birthday cake with D4. We had wine and laughed and had a really nice evening all together. It felt a lot like old times and H hugged me several times.
Things carried on as normal, I noticed that H has softened in a lot of ways, and also that he is still careful with words and keeping a line between us. I also noticed that lately when he referred to his plans he tells me where he is going and with whom, whereas before it wes always vague and he shared no info.
D4 and I got a Christmas tree and decorated the house on our own for the first time. I had a proud moment when D4 doubter my ability to carry the tree up the stairs myself—“FYI mama, I think we’re gonna need daddy to help us” (she’s a cheeky one). I told her I’m pretty strong and that I believed in myself, and she was really impressed when I succeeded. It was a good moment. I waited as long as possible to bring up Christmas arrangements with H, as I wanted to let him be the one to bring it up (knowing that was highly unlikely). Last week I finally brought it up and asked him what his plans were. He had none. I asked him what his thoughts were about arrangements with D4. He fumbled around a bit And asked what my plans were. I told him and he asked a free follow up questions and then paused. I asked him if he’d like to join us and he said yes. I was struck by how automatically he just wanted to join in with my family plans. I was happy about it, but also cycled through some resentment around it.
Christmas Eve fell on H’s night with D4. He was planning to pick her up from my house after work, and I asked if he would mind bringing her back early, as we have some Christmas Eve traditions I wanted to do with her. I was pleasantly surprised when he he said of course, no problem. That morning he texted to ask what time I wanted her home, and if I wanted to have dinner with her. I said of course I’d love that, but made it clear I didn’t expect it. He proposed that he chip in some money for groceries if I wanted to cook a special Christmas Eve dinner (one of my traditions, as I love to cook). So we ended up having a nice festive Christmas Eve dinner, after which H cleaned up and we put D4 to bed. He was back first thing Christmas morning as planned. D4 was so excited and so sweet and cute and I soaked it up. H made breakfast and we all headed to my parents house and then out to a very nice dinner. Afterward when we were putting D4 to bed, she said “I love you guys so much and I just can’t choose who I want to put me to bed!” I assured her she doesn’t have to choose and she pulled us both in for a big group hug and gave us both lots of kisses. H had his arms around both of us, and I noticed there was no awkward arm hovering or patting. Just a real embrace. He saw me tearing up afterward and commented how sweet D4 is. He thanked me for a nice day and gave me a hug before he left.
Things feel so much like they are moving forward and softening and moving in a positive direction in so many ways. And, at the same time, it feels like they are standing still in the biggest ways. The way he refers to his house so casually stings every single time. There is no talk of anything actually changing between us. Are these slow changes for the better? I don’t know. It sure feels that way. But I remain confused, and I was very sad again when he left last night. We had such a nice day as a family and I know he felt it too. I just don’t know what it means for him.
Next there is NYE. I have zero expectations around it, and I know it’s at least unlikely to be as awful as it was last year. It feels like there’s a lot on the line and that the stakes are high, and that there isn’t much I can do but continue to wait and see...?
