Hi everyone, I just wanted to share an update - partly for some thoughts from the gallery, and partly to help myself process some of the things that I'm feeling.
WAW did sit down about two weeks ago to go over a few logistical things - and we sat for a good two hours. It was really nice, actually. We definitely still have the same rapport we always did - we can make each other laugh so easily and when we actually sit down together, it feels so natural and fun. That part still is there, which is really the only thing keeping me optimistic.
She also was more emotionally open that she's been in forever, sharing about her new job, her frustration with traveling, being scared at really bad turbulence, and so on. It feels like some ice is being broken, but it's still pulling teeth to get her to actually find the time, and of course, going back to MC is out of the question right now. It's very clear that she doesn't want to move on, but she doesn't want to work on things, either. So it's the same limbo. But it's nice whenever we actually do sit down - we end up just enjoying other's company like we always did.
In my last conversation with my therapist, I said something along the lines "Well, this [censored], but I'm sure she knows how I feel", to which my therapist disagreed. He said "You've given her the space she wanted. In her mind, you're doing your thing, she sees you on IG playing softball and on the beach - it's very possible that she has no idea how much this has hurt you, or the things that you've done to improve yourself since".
I semi-agree and I semi-disagree; WAW knows me well enough to know that reconciliation is my goal, even if I'm out there getting a life. Giving space is not the same as giving up. But one thing he did recommend is that in the spirit of the season - and in a 180 to my refusal to be emotionally open and vulnerable during the MR - was to send a Christmas card with a heartfelt letter attached.
And so I did, even though I sort of knew that the veterans on here would disagree. The letter was kind of just putting it out there - I took ownership of things I contributed to the S, I talked about the ways I've addressed my issues through counseling and reading, my belief that I'm not the same person that I once was, my view of this is a positive thing despite all of the pain, and so on. I do firmly believe that if we did reconcile, things would be profoundly different, and I believe all of the positive rapport that we do have is rare and is worth fighting for.
Christmas itself was really, really hard. For the last seven years, we'd spend Christmas with her family in DC. She's got a big, loving Greek family - very much like the movies - and for as nice as it is to spend some time with my family, it's just not the same. It feels like I've lost like 75% of the people that I care about, and it really hurts. Someone from her side has reached out to me very, very rarely - and while it was nice to hear that they don't really understand what happened, either - it hurts to feel erased, like I don't really exist from their perspective.
I did text WAW to wish her a Merry Christmas, and she replied a few hours later, and confirmed that she got the card. The #1 thing I really can't understand - and it's possible I'm reading way too much into things - is that there's such a difference in between the way she is when we're actually sitting down and working on things and the way she is at other times. When we're together, she's upbeat and we have fun and I can make her laugh, but other times she just seems so aloof and almost angry. When she didn't reach out to me at all on my birthday (and I assume she wouldn't have reached to me on Christmas if I didn't text her first), my therapist said that an action like that is the action of an angry person...but I just don't know why she has that anger. I still don't really know why this happened. I'm giving her the space that she wants, I feel like I'm going above and beyond to operate without any clarity from her side.
As far as me, I may have mentioned that I left my job, and I'm knee-deep in spinning up a new venture of my own. Talking to investors, making pitches, etc - back to the early-stage grind. It's exciting and stressful, but I'm a lot happier than I was in my old job. The lack of structure and consistent days certainly gives me more time (especially now given the holidays) to think about my situation, but I think I need to be nice to myself on that topic. Just feel what I feel, let it sink in.
New Years is going to suck too - being on my own for one, and last year WAW and I went on a trip to Cancun together, and it was really the last time in retrospect that I can remember feeling really confident that our MR was on the right track. 2019 sucked, and I wish I could just erase it. But I was talking to a friend the other night, and he asked me, "How long does this last? How long can you do this?" and as much as this hurts, I have to hold out hope. I still love her. I know things would be better. And so I guess I'm going to keep working on myself and until I'm at my breaking point or she says that it's over, I will be here. It makes me feel powerless and weak and naive, but I don't want to give up. Not yet.
Anyway, sorry for the filibuster of an update, and thanks for listening/reading. Any comments are helpful.
