What impresses me the most about your sitch -- and you know I went back and read every post -- is YOU and how much YOU have grown. I know that we often measure success on if the S comes back, and how the M is being restored, etc, etc. I still firmly believe that successful DBing is less about saving the M and more about saving our self. You are a person that has done a lot of self reflection and self growth. I can tell in your writings -- not just here, but also to other people. You have a very good understanding of boundaries, communication, patience and what to let go of.
Maybe I have said this to you before, if not, I have certainly thought it; I am more concerned for her than for you. I don't see that she has owned her own cr-p in the same way that you have. She hasn't demonstrated (or you have wrote about it) an ability to look inward, admit her wrong doings, and then commit to how she can make amends and change. She also has these stubborn knee jerk reactions, and while that can be normal for anyone, she has this way of putting you down or treating you as if you are less than. I worry she doesn't respect you.
I can see some of my previous self in her. When my H came back, I was quite nasty to him on/off for years. It came out in my moments of frustration. He would ask me "do you even like me?" or "do you even respect me?" And I hated that. I hated it because he had a point. I was still bitter. .... There was nothing he could do to help me through that. He sort of DBs by nature and has continued on over the last 5 years trying his best. .... I have had to self reflect and sort out my own mess and it hasn't been easy.
My fear for her is that if she doesn't start making some changes, you will grow tired of this. You have been patient and forgiving. You are owning your mistakes. She will have to do the same for this to work out in the long run. I hope she can. .... I am soooo glad you are waiting on having kids. For most couples, having kids is when everything becomes a challenge!
Happy holidays~ Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
