Divorce because I betrayed her trust - PART 6

[DaB35]

Hope everyone here had a good Xmas yesterday wherever you were.

I never got a text from W yesterday. I didn't contact her either. I took my ring off when my family went out for Xmas dinner. I put it back on today; I think I just want to keep it on until the absolute last minute.

I may go to the house today to check the alarm. I understand the concern as we still have lots of valuable stuff in there. I was also going to check for my mail and ensure I haven't left any more important paperwork there.

W is staying with her sister until January. Don't know how she could do that - I would get bored staying there after only 4 days or so!

Did a bit of thinking last night.

This whole ordeal has made me realise how much W relies on her sister to guide her through everything; it's like she can't do something without running it by her first. Very frustrating. I never mentioned this frustration to W which I regret. It's like W 'looks up' to her sister constantly and must appease her sister and her friends all the time - she really REALLY struggles to say 'no', she'd prefer to say 'yes' and instead moans to me about what an inconvenience they have inflicted on her.

I never understood that. But then, I was doing a very similar thing myself, just to avoid conflict with W.

This is why my IC believes I put that pic of W's sister in that online chat; it was an extremely passive-aggressive way of taking her down a peg or two, or rather a reaction to my feeling very frustrated with the way she had treated W and her general attitude (she would say horrible things about their mum to my mum, with no evidence to support this, and W would always disagree with what she said).

Example - it upset me that one of W's friends never paid for her bridesmaid dress - she just flatly refused to pay for it when everyone else did. This friend at the time earnt more than W. W paid for the dress. That friend, to this day, has never paid her back. That annoyed me. W grumbled about it from time to time after our wedding, but I don't understand why she didn't ask her friend to just contribute a bit and then pay her back gradually.

Another example - there was a time back in 2013/14 when W thought she had fallen pregnant (an accident). Neither of us wanted kids and we knew we couldn't afford one. I remember going to work and then stopping by my parents' house on the way back home to check in on W. Thankfully W confirmed the pregnancy test was negative; we were both very pleased!
However, before she took the test, W rang me at my parents' and said, "my sister has said we can have all her baby things and the pram and they'll help us with clothes and everything." I was shocked. Inwardly I was very angry that her sister had been trying to "convince" W she was pregnant and was eager to be the person who saves the day, or whatever. For years she's always been saying "So, when are you having kids?" (She has three, her first at age 24).

Then when W and I separated this year and we met for a chat in June,I distinctly remember her saying "What would you say if I said I wanted to have a baby?". She would tell EVERYONE she never wanted kids, how she loved being an aunty and how she wanted 'her own time to herself', and then two weeks with her sister in May, and she suddenly wants a baby! I just didn't get it. This is a classic example of re-writing history I guess (am I right?).

Since W's siter moved to Scotland she has been trying to get us to move there, literally next door. Whenever we visited she would go online and point out houses for sale. "Look, this one is only £350,000. It's ten minutes away. Nice floorplan." She would spend literally an hour on her laptop showing us houses. And we were thinking, "Nope, we can't afford that!" Not to mention the fact that there are no jobs in the area. That didn't phase her sister. Also, in doing this her sister completely neglected the fact that my parents are really quite frail and in their late 60s/early 70s; no way would my dad drive 6 hours to visit us (it would take him more like 9hours with all the breaks they'd have to factor in to the journey). She just wanted us to live near her to look after her kids while she and her H went out.

Even W would complain, "Look sis, you always say 'Come up and see me for a week, it'll be lovely and we'll go shopping.' But then all you do is sleep and I am made to look after the kids for a few afternoons."

Also, when W and I had been dating for a few years, she would also warn me, "Look I want M before I turn 30! I don't want to be single at 30!" Again I think her sister had something to do with this. She was married at 23 and by 30 had 3 kids. Maybe she felt she hadn't yet 'achieved' the same as her sister and so was competing in a way. I don't know. When they were younger, W would always tell me how she and her sister would fight (not play fighting, actually physically fight) and how her sister would pin her down on the floor etc. Even W's mum has said to my mum that she keeps things close to her chest; and doesn't reveal everything to her own mum.

I then decided not to dwell on things too much. I watched a bit of comedy on TV and then went to sleep. Had a good sleep last night.

Just looking ahead for the next few days. Hoping to meet up with a few friends towards the end of the week; bit of overtime at work again; plus a gig on Monday to get a bit of a boost of cash just before New Year's Eve which will be nice.