Merry Christmas everyone! Today has been hard. Living IHS I knew today would be different but not as hard as it has been. Sleeping in separate rooms meant the kids didn’t pile in with their stockings. Instead it was awkward for them as they didn’t know who to see first. A moment that seems insignificant amongst 364 other days but huge on this day. In all honesty I struggled the whole day, I forgot about db’ing, 180s, LRT etc. The whole day I got caught up in the thinking that this is the last time for everything Christmas as a family. And it hurts. I miss my wife I miss my lover, I miss being able to just be with her, I miss everything. She gave me a hug, the first in 3 months since BD, it was all I could do to not fall apart. I’ve been longing for her touch, yet when she did I told myself it means nothing to her. That I remain alert to no expectations, no meaning, just nothing.
And this is my struggle, the counter intuitiveness of me wanting to say what my heart wants, whilst on the outside I guess sub consciously reacting in a cordial manner. No emotion etc.
Several times I had to take myself away to the garden to compose myself. I feel that I have taken 20 steps backwards, and fallen off the wagon so to speak. Can anyone relate? Or indeed give me a 2x4 to spin me out of this?!
