I did end up calling him Monday morning just to see what was up. He always answers the phone for me, so it isn't hours waiting around for a text reply. He was going Xmas shopping with his mom. I didn't say anything about hanging out at first - just felt things out. He said he had been out of it for a few days, and that he hadn't forgotten about me, but that he was waiting on some $ and felt broke. I said OK, I understand, and listed a few free things we could do (nature preserve, come watch a movie), and have said I'd pay, even though I know him feeling emasculated b/c I make more $ than him has been an issue in the past. He said all of my free suggestions sounded too "date-y." I said OK, then what would you like to do, because those are all things I've done with only friends? He said he didn't know. I asked if he had an idea of time frame b/c I am going out of town next week and do work some this week. He said again I don't know. He gets in this "I don't know" spiral where I don't think he doesn't want to answer, I do think he genuinely just doesn't know and isn't being bothered to figure it out. We got off the phone. Afterwards, I texted asking if I could drop his/his mom's/dogs Xmas presents off at his mom's house (this is where he stays when he is in town) while they were out shopping. He said yes, so I did. This hit me really, really hard. She goes overboard decorating and it just made me miss everything. I texted him a bit after that and asked if I could speak to his mom. We texted about it for a while (nicely), and he said yes. I had IC, then went over to her house. I know DB says to not talk to family, but I felt I needed to speak to her. He has involved her/told her a lot, so there wasn't any new info. My objective was for her to see where I am at now. I was there for 2 hours. She and I don't have a super close relationship, but I do know that she likes me and believes (or used to?) that I am good for H. Overall, it went very well. She seemed impressed at how much work I've done on myself, how serious I am, and how much I do really know H. She did say she would talk to him, even though I expressed I wasn't sure if I wanted her to. It did sound like he had opened up to her more than I thought he had - because a lot of things I said, she already knew about and H had said the same things to her. She said we need to see each other more and talk. She knows I am willing. I think she was surprised at how hurt I still am, and I think she does feel for me. I opened up more about my past marriage, too. I didn't ask for any intel or anything like that. I did also want to maintain this relationship with her in case things do go fully south, because I'd need to coordinate some stuff with her (it'd be too hard to do this with H). She always states she wants what's best for both of us, and she did also say that she feels in a better place to give him actual advice since she has heard both sides now (which do line up). H and his mom have had a rocky relationship in the past, and only had started healing it when H and I started dating. I expressed being frustrated that it's been 2 months and H still seems miserable and not doing anything to explore how he feels either way. H's mom is religious, and we had a talk about that, too (I am not).
Yesterday, I went and did some stuff alone and talked to my dad - I hadn't spoken to my parents with any updates since Thanksgiving since there wasn't much to tell. One of the things that H's mom had said, was that she had asked H if H had reached out to my parents, specifically my dad (H's dad passed away before I knew him, and H has a good relationship with my dad). H said he felt he couldn't since H had told me I couldn't speak to his mom. I cleared that up with her, and did text H yesterday saying he is always welcome to speak to my dad, because he is a good listener and gives good advice. I also said I hope his back feels better (he told me Monday he has a slipped disc) and that he has a merry Xmas Eve. He later texted back saying "hey, thanks for texting me, I hope you have a nice evening, too." I ended up doing something cool with his boss/boss's family (weird to say it like that but I've been friends with his boss for a long time, that's how I know him, and his boss married us). I called H on the way back from said activity, and we had a nice upbeat-ish chat. He said he was still out of it, but I asked about his day, etc. I wasn't asking for anything, just hearing how he was doing, and he asked about me. It was maybe 5 minutes long. I got off the phone first.
This morning I texted him saying Merry Xmas and that I wish we could have spent some of it together. He hasn't replied, and I am sure he won't. I know that was also an anti-DB statement, but I don't regret saying it. His mom did text me wishing me a Merry Xmas. He went to his dad's family's today, and I normally go, so I wonder how he's handling the inquiries about me, but I didn't ask and won't.
One of the pieces of advice from his mom was sad: she said, "I know this is not nice to say, but I learned a long time ago to stop expecting H to do stuff, that way I am not let down, and I am just here if he needs me." That's the approach I am trying to take. I am dropping the expectation of him initiating hanging out while he is in town on this break, even though he expressed wanting to. I may ask for us to sit down and have a talk, but not a long super serious one. I may play it by ear. I am in charge of running group tomorrow, and I wonder if he will show up because he knows I am there.
I have really struggled more these past few days, and I think it's because I've had a lot of alone time at home, and feel like I've gotten a lot worse. I look forward to working tomorrow and Friday, and am going out of town for New Year's, alone. (that was part of my convo with H on Monday - was that while he has off until the 2nd, I am not available the entire time). My dad commended me on how patient I have been (my biggest life struggle is impatience), and it is definitely hard.
