I know everyone is probably busy with Christmas—I can’t believe it’s Christmas! I traveled to see my family yesterday, and I’ll be with them for a bit. It’s not what I expected. My H stayed at home with our cats, preferring to avoid seeing his family (I won’t see them either for the first time this year, and I miss them too). I now see it would’ve been much easier in a way for me to stay home too: here I’m out of my routine that was giving me strength (and I miss the cats!), and seeing my parents, grandparents, etc. just makes the loss of H feel more real. He didn’t wish me a good trip or say Merry Christmas before I left (expectations I tried not to have, but apparently I did). He won’t ask me about my family when I return. I miss all of this.
I also spent time reading Sandi’s threads again, and I started spiraling thinking about the difference between MLC and WH and WAH and worrying that I don’t know what’s going on with H and that I haven’t DB’d in the exact right way in the last six months. I know there isn’t an exact right way, but it still caused me to reflect. I switched my negative MA for PMA back then and he noticed. I stopped being defensive. I didn’t let him push my buttons. I didn’t ask him where he was when he was gone or what he did or who his new friends were. I said nothing when he took his ring off. I have maintained friendly distance and let him engage me, for the most part, but maybe I have also been too friendly. i wanted to continue to show love and kindness through my smallest actions. I continued to do his laundry like I’d always done even when he said I didn’t have to—it’s not a big deal to throw it in with mine, after all. (H started keeping his laundry in his room after Thanksgiving, so I no longer do it.) I made it clear he was free to eat any of the food I made in the fridge or on the counter, and sometimes he did. I thanked him for things he’d done in the past that I felt he thought I’d taken for granted, but now I think that’s just his mindset: everyone takes him for granted, especially me. I kept my actions and attitude consistent and his moods fluctuated up and down, sometimes he was friendly to me, sometimes distant and cold. I felt I could expect these ups and downs from him and didn’t need to alter my actions in response. I would remain constant while he would be moody.
But for the last month, right before and after Thanksgiving when he brought up D, he has been consistently more distant and cold and uncommunicative. I don’t think I need to change my actions, because I don’t think I caused him to be that way. But I do wonder if I’m missing something that I should/shouldn’t be doing. I know he knows I don’t want our M to end. I’m wondering if I need to do some kind of big or subtle shift in my attitude or behavior around him when I get back. Or if I can just keep my PMA no matter what he does with D and offer a friendly good morning but nothing more each day.
If anyone has time to share any thoughts on this in the next several days, I’m all ears! I feel like I’m entering a new phase with the D papers probably coming this year.
I’m grateful I can write here before I go face my family. Merry Christmas, everyone! I hope you’re all finding moments of joy today.
