This year is coming to an end and hence I´ve been reflecting my journey more extensively and decided to give a short update on where I stand at the moment.
When I originally joined the board back in Feb 2018 I was in bad place. I choose my pseudonym "Getting There" to describe my healing journey and as a goal to eventually be in a place of inner happiness and strenght. This journey is naturally a lifelong one, but I would say that I have reached the goal I set to myself nearly two years ago. I remember thinking that I want to be in a place where I am honestly free from thoughts of getting back together. Now I am there.
Back in early 2018 when I typed in my subject "Suspect PA...", that was the worse thought ever - to think my exW having sex with someone else. It made me physically sick. Now I naturally don´t even think such thing, but writing this, the thought is 100% neutral to me. She is engaged with a nice guy (maybe 3rd or 4th boyfriend after divorce), and I truly wish all the best to them. Her fiancee seems to be good and normal guy and my kids get along with him which is most important thing to me.
What it comes to what I think of our divorce, I´ve reached a place of peace. In the beginning I blamed her, and then I blamed myself. Now it is just enough for me to admit that we simply didn´t make it together. We did not have what it took. Maybe with wisdom we have gained afterwards, we would have had better chances, but as in life in general - I´m wiser today than back then and will be even wiser tomorrow.
When 2018 was the worst year for me ever, 2019 has been the best year in my life! I´ve learned so much so far, I´m completely independent and I have my life in my hands! I´m still exercising 4-5 times a week (which I started as GAL activity), so at age 41 I´m in best shape in my life both mentally and physically.
The first year after the divorce I focused to my healing and I did now want to enter dating pool before I felt ready. So I started dating last summer. To be honest, I had doubts if I would meet anyone who I would find interesting in all levels, but have to say that I met some amazing women! I think it´s important to come to a from a place "I don´t need you, but I want you", so I decided to make a list of my ideal woman to make it concrete what I want. And yes, I have lists to all my goals...
Well, I met a woman who ticked all boxes in my list and turned out she finds me attractive as well. We have now dated for 4 months, but are taking it slowly. In dating, I follow also a rule I learned from DBing: "no expectations". And I´m enjoying the journey.
The best thing for me naturally is that it seems that the kids are just fine and happy! They are so dear to me and the best decision I made when all this started was to always prioritize them and try to become best dad possible. We also have had quite functional co-parenting with Ex-W, but lately she has went to very distant direction. I´m not sure if it is because me dating or something else, but communication is very limited and it is not best from the co-parenting perspective. My goal is to try to establish more functional relationship to ex-W. I feel she still has lots of resentment towards me, and I need to accept that it may not change. But still I try to do everything at my end friendly and respectfully. I would like to see us more functional and even some sort of friends. I want to look back to our marriage respectfully and beautifully, since it is 15 years of my own history.
To summarize, my goals for 2019 has been met, which I´m grateful for, and now it is time to set new ones for 2020.
I hope this updated can help someone who might be in similar situation than me in early 2018 to find confidence that DBing works! As said so many times at this board, it might not bring your ex-spouse back (it can, if you still want it), but it will bring YOU back!
