Many times I have read here that MCLrs revert to a very juvenile mentality. I saw evidence of that yesterday. H made me so mad! I’m working real hard today to let go and not let the negativity infiltrate my joyful Christmas with the kids. It has helped today getting ready for this evening and tomorrow. But I also felt I needed to vent a bit here, too.
So, I previously reported that D20 wasn’t sure she wanted to receive gifts from H. He had asked for a list, and she did not provide one (not to me either, BTW). So, a few weeks ago, H said that he thought she would feel bad if S22 got extra gifts and she didn’t, so he decided to get her a generous gift card. I suggested a place that she could use towards a product she is saving for that is rather pricey.
S22 met H for lunch yesterday, and he came home with the gifts (not yet opened). Me and the kids were chatting about it, and D20 asked whether I told H she wasn’t sure she wanted gifts from him. We discussed it a bit, and I basically said that he just probably felt like he wanted to extend that olive branch. I told her whether she accepts it or not is totally up to her.
Later yesterday, I received a text message from H
H: “Our daughter is refusing my card and gift really? I’m done trying with her. Done.”
Me: “That’s the first I’ve heard of that. Did she say that”? H: “S22 told me.”
Me: “Well, he shouldn’t have said that. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about. If she did refuse it that would be for her to say. And even if she did for you to say you are done with her completely done is really really awful. I can’t believe that you would just toss her away like that. She’s the child, you are the father.”
Me: (several hours later). “Nothing else to say about this?” (I know, I know. But I couldn’t help myself. And I’m really strong now, so I really don’t care how it affects H).
H: (at 4:30 a.m.! I guess he couldn’t sleep. Good!) “ First of all she’s an adult not a child. I didn’t say I was throwing her away. I’m simply done at this point reaching out. I’m tired of having my nose punched by her. After all that I’ve done for her to continue to do this is how I’m being treated. She knows where to find me when she’s ready to have an adult relationship again.”
Well, that is really something, isn’t it? What a self-centered idiot.
It’s too much to include here, but I felt I needed to respond. I am at a place now where I (almost) don’t care how my responses affect him. I used to. I’m paraphrasing:
I said that he obviously didn’t understand her at all, that her feelings are very complicated and she is very fragile, and that her hurts are not just about current circumstances but that lots of old wounds have burst open. I told him his knee-jerk reaction to something S22 sent him was petty and un-called for IMO. And asked him what he’s done for her.
I shared with him something D20 shared with me yesterday. I did not break D20’s confidence by sharing is all, but a small part in general terms. That she understands that he has a lot of his own hurts, and she wants him to get help to heal those hurts. (I didn't say this, but basically she means that for her to start the process with him, he would have to start the process on himself, first.) I shared that D20 and I are having our own tough time in certain aspects, and we are going to therapy after the New Year to work it out. Perhaps he could consider it also.
His little hissy fit is so juvenile. He wants to do absolutely nothing to have a better relationship with D20. Does he really think it will just happen? It’s almost like he’s trying to just go back to the way things were with the kids. S22 may be o.k. with that, because as an Aspie, his emotional IQ is not exactly high. So, a very basic, superficial relationship with his dad is probably o.k. Not so with D20. She’s very afraid of turning out like her dad, is angry that she feels she inherited depression from him, and in no way wants to go back to the old relationship. Just like H and me, she would demand a brand new relationship.
But, that takes will, ability, and work, doesn’t it?
H has none of those qualities at the moment.
I sure hope he was serious about seeking a therapist.
For not only his sake, but for the sake of D20.
Anyway, in spite of it all, I feel blessed. The house is decorated to the max. A great cold-buffet supper will be waiting for us after services along with some Christmas movies and maybe even a glass of wine or 2 for me, and tomorrow a great meal with the kids and I also invited my next-door BF. Filet Mignon (rare for me) on the grill, sautéed wild mushrooms, garlic sautéed spinach, fresh baked bread, and my friend is bringing the desert – pumpkin roll.
The meal will be spectacular.
The company even better.
Then the much anticipated trip on Thursday.
Life truly is good.
Merry Christmas, my friends. I wish for you all Peace, Hope, and Joy.
