IHC ~ I agree on the cognitive dissonance. I am blown away when I get these window-peeks into what my W is thinking.
U: I'm 18 months after BD, almost a year of limbo, and 368 days from telling the kids we are splitting up. 11 months from moving out. Coming up on anniversary of separation and having first set of holidays with kids on my own terms.
I've gotten though and get through by reading stories here that are similar to mine. I've come so far. I see you in my review mirror. Your situation and mentality and how you process is quite similar to mine. You've done some very different tactical maneuvers and I've watched you make them thinking "Oh crap. He's scr3wed".
I hope you are not... but I registered just now, and may make this the only post on the board I ever make to say THIS to YOU:
"Go dark, lawyer up, and prepare for your wife to lose. Her. Mind."
Expect her to hold you in so little regard that she's going to come after you financially, and for custody. She's being nice to get what she wants and needs, and she only wants more. When you start to ask for what's fair (50/50) she's going to lawyer up and you're going to see a side of her you had no idea existed.
Keep your side of the street clean, and say nothing to her. Believe nothing she says.
Odds are in 6-12 months you'll be facing trial and the only person who thinks what she's doing is reasonable will be her and her lawyer.
Brace yourself for this person to show you new colors from the rainbow. You have NO idea how bad this can get. Well.. you see it. You're preparing for it intellectually. I didn't. Then it came. The nicest, conflict-avoidant, emotionally-stuck spouse in the world just. Doesn't. Care. About. You. Anymore.
Meditate, exercise, and find your joy. But do not give any quarter and let your lawyer bring you what you should have never moved out without in the first place. A custody and financial agreement that was fair. You're not going to negotiate one with her now. In six months the odds get worse. In a year? She'll deserve more and she'll punish you to get it all while you were hoping she'd snap out of it. The person who said she'd be reasonable will go SIDEWAYS.
You can sleep at night for trying it this way. You've handled this with honor and dignity and compassion. But it will get you nowhere from here on out.
