I have been married 18 years and have two daughters. It's never been a happy marriage and I do take ownership for my role in contributing to the downfall of the marriage. None of us got marriage counseling and we should have done. Instead my wife allowed resentment, bitterness and disrespect to build up in her over the years,.
Hi Drh,
Welcome to the boards. Please read and re-read the plethora of information posted to you by Cadet. The wisdom is priceless.
"It's never been a happy marriage" really jumped out at me. To me, this is where the digging begins. You said you own your role. What role did you play in the downfall of your marriage? Looking back, what would you do differently?
You have 18+ years of history with your W, which is a long time to be in an unhappy M/R. I'm sure there is happiness in there somewhere. Independent of one another, are either of you happy(perhaps before Marriage)? What attracted you to each other? What is different now, from then?
Here's the thing, the affair is/was a symptom of the problems within the M/R. It took years for the wheels to completely fall off, so bring your patience.
The changes begin with you. I will emphasis these changes are for YOU, because you will be better off when you come out the other side with/without your W. Identify poor habits/behaviors and address. Work to get to your happy place.
I would have made more of an effort to be physically affectionate and open up to her. We should have got counselling. She did encourage me to do this several years ago and I didn't. I didn't feel comfortable opening up to strangers. I was raised in a strict religious environment.
