Just want to add to what I wrote above.. I am completely aligned with the other responses here. Your H's outward behavior seems to betray that he still harbors the same attitudes. It is one thing to fix the outward behaviors, but (in my opinion) that is *not* sufficient to address the underlying issue.
Originally Posted by AlisonUK
Often he will deny that it happened at all, or he will say it was my fault that it happened. He said to me - in a rare moment of recent insight and self-reflection - that he felt so helpless and smothered and burdened in our relationship for so long, and so seething with resentment - that now he feels safer expressing his feelings he over-reacts and things spill out too much. (I believe Unchien suggested exactly this a few posts earlier in this thread and I think he was spot-on). I asked him what his plan was to do something about his resentment and emotional reactions (well, my exact words were 'what you do plan to do about your compulsion to behave in way that damages our marriage), and he didn't say anything. He seems to believe, still, that it is the world's job to adjust to what he needs, rather than him controlling his emotions and behaviour no matter what happens in the outside world. I believe that is at the root of many out our parenting disagreements - he expects a level of emotional maturity and self control from his teenage son that he is unable to exert over himself, and that he doesn't, deep down, think he should apply to himself. That interferes with my ability to respect him.
Both items I bold-texted are indicators his attitude has not changed.
He expects to resolve his resentment by taking it out on you with these mocking emotional outbursts?
I think addressing this with his IC is the right plan. Otherwise it seems like a slippery slope where things could gradually devolve back to the way they were before (or close to it).
