W and I had a text exchange last night that I'm still processing. I'm going to paraphrase a lot below so don't read into the actual wording.
It started with me mentioning that I wanted a plan to start mediation in January, and that I wanted to discuss the personal spending account setup we are using because it is not working. My W asked for examples (for the personal account), and I brought up two, one of which was her having childcare for several extra hours in the evening. She said she actually wanted to talk about maybe having *another* spending allowance for extra childcare so she could do housework, etc.
I responded that if she needed someone to watch the kids for several hours, I am always available for that call (rather than spend money on a nanny). She replied, "Oh I didn't realize you could do 3 hours on a Wednesday afternoon. Do you want to do that instead of Monday dinners with the kids (these are the dinners which break up my 10 days without them)?"
I said, "I'm not signing up to be your after-school care. You know I want more hours with the kids. You have also said you don't want me having more overnights with the kids because you do not like the kids having after-school or extra nanny care. But it seems like you want extra nanny care."
She kept replying she was confused.
She asked what schedule I wanted. I repeated what I asked for 3 weeks ago... 2 extra nights with the kids, every 2 weeks. I also stated that I understood she was confused about agreeing to this, and didn't accept it. So I felt it was her turn to propose a schedule, not me.
Again she said she was confused.
Then things got bad. She said our current schedule is what I wanted 6 months ago when we separated. I said, "No, I was lucky to get any overnights when we separated." She said again she was confused. I said, "I agreed to that schedule because you asked for time and space, things were tense between us, and I wanted to help create that space so we could work on the marriage."
She said "Work on the marriage, like now?"
"No," I said.
Then she started claiming I've been okay with this schedule all along, and it was me who asked for D in September.
And then... she brought up the safety stuff with the kids. She asked for me to have my IC write a letter for next time we go to MC "detailing my progress." She said "We've come so far, but things were really scary." "All these things that happened in June" - including the incident where I showed S7 how to shoot a pellet gun, and apparently she thought I was going to go on a rampage or something. She said that I've made so much progress going to the parenting class (which is something I chose on my own, but she's co-opted as part of this "plan").
I can't really describe how offended I was by the content of the last paragraph. I don't know how to read this other than a big manipulative game.
It's been 6 months. We've gone to the "MC" for 6 months, and all it does is feed this narrative in my W's head. Maybe she's going to take me to court and wave my apology letters in the air as some sort of evidence. Whether or not I continue to go to "MC" she may do that anyways, so why keep going to "MC" trying to soothe her concerns? It could be years. I need to "face that fear" and accept she may take me to court and this may get ugly. I can't fix it by going to MC for years and easing her concerns over the long run.
I had a couple regrettable parenting moments. I've outlined them here. This year has been absolute hell. I went through months questioning if I really was someone with these labels. By taking the accusations seriously, I only fed my W's belief that they were true.
In the process, I learned a lot about emotional abuse, gaslighting, manipulation, control. I truly bought into these allegations for awhile. I went through a deep soul-searching phase. Mix in some CEN with NGS and you get a person who believes another person's reality is completely valid. My problem isn't lack of empathy... my problem was so much empathy that I was not in touch with myself to begin with. I tried so hard to see things her way that I *believed* them for awhile.
I've been allowing it to happen. I've been going to MC knowing full well we aren't working on the MR, but somehow hoping it would result in the "best outcome" for our kids. I need to stop. I know this.
My current plan is:
- Discontinue MC - Contact the L I have on hold later this week, ask rather than pay a retainer to have a 1-hr session to review my options - Continue to be cordial with W. Work out a January parenting schedule. Press for a plan to start mediation in January.
Finally, just wanted to say thank you to everyone who posts on my thread. I read all the replies quickly, but sometimes don't respond. I've been trying to limit my time on the forum to avoid over-thinking my situation.
