Will do. LH19. I intend to. I really need to read your sich over in the Surviving The Big D. Board.
This area with doing joint shared things and these types of invites all through my sich have been extremely confusing to me because of different mindsets... I have swung from one polar opposite to another. Rejecting and politely declining her at one turn, only to accept on choice occasion. Been fairly consistent in maintaining my position on it. But the reason for the confusion on my part is seven fold. Its because our mindsets are completely different when it comes to Ex's. Because of our families and experiences. XW and her family insisted on inviting my brothers XW to our wedding in 2009 so my nieces (who were small and bratty at the time) could be handled by their Mom. No matter how much I insisted to XW and her family that brother's XW and my brother had a lot of extreme animosity towards each other and families as a result of a nasty divorce as well. My STBXW and her family insisted on inviting brothers XW under the premise of "Can't they just get along for the sake of the children?" Although good intentions. But lack of respect for myself, my brother, mine and my family's wishes.
It became a comtention point between us then and our wedding where I was considering calling the wedding off because I was getting pulled in both directions by both families to do the right thing. But I knew that my father being the instigator that he was, and Ex SIL being the crazy person that she was, fireworks and drama would have definitely happened and I wasn't about to deal with that kind of stress, embarrassment, drama, or situation at my wedding. I still had to stay om my toes with my Father with anxiety that day with him instigating remarks to my oldest brother's wife who is the Sister of my other brothers ex.
So I guess it doesn't surprise me now that I think about it that my STBXW operates from this mindset. That everyone can still get along, attend family functions, introduce new people in dating in the future, and everyone should just be ok with it. "For the kids sake." My STBXW has a bad habit of befriending my brothers Ex's and spending PT with them.. Not that any of us have a problem with it, but it just goes to show how little consideration, respect and POV is given to the other side's wishes and good reasons for giving them. I understand it and where they are coming from. But STBXW always held resentment towards me for not having ExSIL invited to wedding, and as me holding power over her in that sich. She resented me in a sense because she had to "babysit" my unruly nieces the flower girls on "her wedding day." Because their Mom wasn't invited. But She made sure to invite EXSIL. To wedding after party. Which I didn't have a problem with and compromised on. She could have just as easily removed my nieces from the wedding however and that would have been fine by me. Since STBXW invited them as flower girls in the first place. Ironicly I am going to nieces house Christmas day without S2 to attend a party. She has a S1 right behind my S2. My Ex SIL and Brother will be there. My EXSIL is dying of Cancer. My brother and her sonewhat made amends for the sake of the grandkids for the first time in 20 years. So that is a miracle unto itself.
But anyway its not my principles or mindset and doesn't fit into my reality given how I came up in my family. An ex is an ex for a reason. You don't have to hate them. Forgive them yes. Understand they are human and they hurt too. Be polite friendly and cordial. Work together as co parents for the kids.
But the other reasons why this area is so confusing to me is several. Everyone here advocates NC, time and space and LRT for one, and I totally understand why. It diffuses, it heals, it develops self autonomy, removes co dependency, and gives room to think about self reflection and previous actions. I've had a bit of time this past month and year to reflect on all the unhealthy things we both brought to the M. Another reason why these situations confuse me so much is I have been specific, vocal and candid, and fairly consistent in my boundaries and rules with this. But I keep getting invited as if "I will see it they're way one day for the benefit of S2."� Another reason why it is confusing is my cousin who talks to STBXW has hope for us, and puts it in my head a lot that maybe STBXW is trying to reach out to me in a sense, and I am rejecting her, even still being aware of the actions taken against me the whole step of the way over the last year. Cousin also reminds me that STBXW is going through a lot with MIL getting over Cancer for the second time this last year, and FIL having progressive dementia. My STBXW reasons for leaving the M are seven fold. Mild MLC. Purpose in life, fear of dying, authenticity, childhood trauma, self worth issues, value, wanting to experience a new life with desires purpose in self, hobbies, travels, and relationships. I understand that and it is in a way selfish of me to hold on, so I let go. I can,be compassionate at times in that sense, and realize I have to allow a person to be who they are and want to be. Who an I how to tell a person how to live, how to feel, what to believe, and what is right for them? We both have a lot of work to do on ourselves and she is 10 steps ahead of me. If I had an ideal choice in my situation. I would continue to live apart. Us work on ourselves, settle the property stuff and sale, but take divorce off the table. (I know its only a piece of paper and contract.)
When I get spiritual, biblical or talk to cousin, it gives me hope. But STBXW's actions prove me otherwise. So I distance myself. Its difficult for me to trust myself in this area with discernment because the vets know one thing from experience, I get validated in that from what I experience as a result of such by STBXW's actions. Cousin thinks Im making a mistake in distancing my self NC but won't tell me why. (Maybe she knows more to the circumstance because she talks to STBXW?) I clearly know one event can't turn everything around and that it takes time, years, and patience and we are going to mediation next month, and nothing is legally binding unless we officially divorce. Again either way Reconciled or Divorce. I will be fine, it might even be a blessing. I get to start life over anew and reinvent myself and my habits and transform. I can be good willed. I just don't want to be hard nosed and prideful about NC because what if cousin is right? I don't see how though. I haven't seen any words or actions moving back torwards R with explicit intent, just ambiguities and ambivalence. I don't want to "read the tea leaves" by the Christmas stuff and murals on the walls in the marital home as a sign of anything. I guess STBXW is just being her nice inviting self. Funny how they do that when you are acused of being emotionally and verbally abusive, that you are scary, and they don't trust you and aren't romantically attracted to you anymore. I can remain unattached. I just could use some reassurance that silence, distance and space is the right thing to do given what I've seen lately. (Im only two months physically, but one year verbally and emotionally separated so it must be.)
