Hi guys, I have logged in to post a few times in the last couple of months but ended up clicking away, it's hard to post updates when there has been no real change in the situation.
The summer was HARD. I was grieving deeply, it was unbelievably painful. I stopped IC, I just felt like it wasn't helping. Our anniversary (25th) was spent with my good friend who took me away for a few days. I felt so thankful for good friends. But still I felt huge huge sadness inside. I took the kids away for a little while, it was ok but I felt huge huge sadness. I was relieved when the summer was over. When September and the anniversary of BD hit, I actually felt relieved, like a weight had lifted off me (I am also not good with a lack of routine). I felt like I could drop the rope a bit and move on. I also had a huge amount of work to do, for my big October deadline. I felt pretty good. My friends have been amazing, when your life goes to crap knowing that people will text you or turn up on your doorstep to give you a hug is precious.
Also in September, H went away with some of his friends and ended up in hospital feeling very unwell. I felt like I had to put aside any rope dropping to support him, I'm pretty sure he has some deep health anxieties he has never shared with anyone, and he wanted to confide in me about his health, so I listened and supported him. He has had loads of investigations and tests, which is pretty funny for someone who hates doctors and hasn't been to the GP in about 15 years. The worst possible things were ruled out. H has been seeing private doctors and seemed anxious that I was ok with the cost of this, and I told him that nothing is more important than good health so of course I supported this. They seem to have finally settled on something which is common but serious if untreated (and it is not too hard to treat with lifestyle changes and some drugs). While this was happening I had to work and work and work for my deadline, it was pretty full on but satisfying and I knew the end was in sight. H was actually quite supportive and texted me most days to ask how things were going with it, which was a definite 180. I had to take ds1 to a bunch of university open days over the autumn, he is aiming high and it was wonderful to spend some time with my mostly silent teen. When he does open his mouth it's always worth it, he is amazing. H went to one open day with us and was miserable company, I was glad he didn't come to any others.
I finished my work and went away with some friends and had a wonderful time, it was brilliant. I intend to travel a lot more next year! My ds2 was involved with a school production and worked his socks off, he was wonderful, I am so proud of my boys. After my October deadline I had a big presentation relating to it which was last week. It went really well and I got lots of compliments, this made me happy that I did such a good job. I have no idea now where my career is going as I hit a natural end and competition for the next level is ferocious and often involves relocating and working ridiculous hours. I cannot do either of those since I have my boys to look after and ds1 to get through final exams and lots of travel and LIFE to live. I don't have to work financially but I need to do something with my time. I have been doing a lot more art classes, I really enjoy being creative and making things. I also went on a writing course as I have plans to write a book. The course was wonderful and I met a bunch of great people on it. I have also been running a lot and doing exercise classes and seeing friends and taking the kids to their activities (the car is the main place they talk, I am usually glad to give them lifts to work or sports even though I pretend to complain).
H has had a turbulent time at work which has resulted in him working crazy hours and then they had a huge upset and the head of the company was thrown out and H is now doing his job temporarily as well as his own 7-6 job. I think he is literally working himself to death. I don't know what will happen there, I think H wants the job permanently (he likes to be in charge as ds2 observed) but for some reasons that might not happen. He looks horrendous, he has gained a lot of weight recently as he has barely exercised but clearly been comfort eating a lot, he has cut down drinking (he says, but then how come so much weight gain? Also, cutting down might mean to just excessive instead of dangerous levels...) Needless to say, he does not look like someone happy with his life decisions. I probably see him once a week right now, I stopped going to see him in the week due to my deadline and then there have been train disruptions making it hard to get there. Plus I hate going to see him near his job, I hate being around lots of people and feeling lonely, though that might change. Oh yes, and H moved house, it was all quite weird as he moved further from work but he said it was so it took less time to drive to see us (hmm). I said it would be good to see his place and I would wait for an invitation but that never came. All highly suspicious but all I can say is if he is seeing someone she is getting a fat alcoholic workaholic with huge mental health issues and very limited time to give her so ha, the joke would be on her. I have no control over whether he is seeing someone and he would have to keep it top secret anyway as it would be someone at work and that would kill his career, so the chances of me finding out are pretty low.
Honestly though, he looks deeply depressed and very unhealthy and I am just treating him with kindness and compassion while I get on with my life. He has instigated one R talk (on the phone) where he talked about D for maybe the second time since BD, he clearly felt pressured to 'move on' somehow. But then nothing happened after that, I DBed pretty well and used the stock phrases we have for deflecting R talks. I did tell him about some of the dreams I have had about him, just because I had them months ago and I have been wanting to share them. Might not have helped but something I needed to do. H said 'I don't know why it's so hard to make a decision, I'm usually so decisive' and I said 'it's because we have been together for 30 years and we are part of each other' and he sort of sobbed. He has not mentioned D since then, but has just seen me and the kids once each weekend. If I'm out when he comes home he rings me to find out where I am and when I'm coming home, so clearly he does want to spend time with me, as long as it's not more than a couple of hours and not more than once a week. Ugh. Anyway, I am leaving him alone and just texting him the odd funny thing which he usually responds to. I feel pity for him, but I can't save him. We go for walks together and he tells me all about the work stuff (it's ridiculous, politics on acid) and his health stuff and I listen and validate and then once in a blue moon he asks about me, he has no space in his head right now for me though so I have zero expectations there.
Ds1 instigated an interesting conversation about H the other day, he said something about how H spent years sleeping on an uncomfortable sofa (which I have since replaced), and it brought home yet again how H has been mistreating himself for literally years, like he deserves punishment. Although he also mistreated his family, too. And then ds1 said 'but of course this has NOTHING to do with his mum' and we both sort of laughed wryly. I only told the kids about 2 months ago the story about how H's mother abandoned him and his sister when they were teenagers. I don't know how they never knew before, they figured she had done SOMETHING to justify the way we talk about her, but they had no idea what the real story was. So they asked what she had done and I told them everything. We talked about H's sister and her marriage failures, and H's brother and him being on his 3rd wife and how he abandoned his step kids for an affair when they were the same age he was when his mum abandoned them for an affair. Ds1 said 'and so the circle continues'. He is a smart kid, he knows exactly what is happening here even if he rarely talks about it. I find it difficult to talk to him about it because it's upsetting and I don't want to put myself and my feelings in there too much because he has his own R to negotiate with H. But I also want him to be able to talk to me about this stuff, he is very silent mostly so for him to say this stuff is big, I don't want to scare him off if he brings it up. But I'm glad he is connecting the dots, it gives me hope that he won't do the same thing when he hits his late 40s. Though H was essentially abandoned by his dad as well as his mum, so he had nobody. Ds1 has me and knows I love him unconditionally and always will even if his dad is messing up his life. I think ds1 has compassion for H too, he is a very sweet and caring person. H is coming back for Christmas Eve, Christmas day and Boxing day and then the day after I am taking the kids away for a week somewhere a bit warmer. I didn't bother asking H if he wanted to join us, I don't want him there right now. I am resolving not to drink too much when H is here, we haven't spent any time at home together in I don't even remember how long, I would like to make it a warm and happy and relaxed time no matter what H or I are feeling. My family situation might not be ideal but it is what it is, make the most of the time together because my teens will be leaving home before I know it (next year for ds1).
Anyway, that is my update. No real change other than I would say 95% of the time I feel ok, I feel like myself. The colour has crept back into my life and although I feel lonely sometimes I am generally in a good place and feeling positive. Occasionally I slide into resentment and self pity and then I pick myself up and move on. If H wanted to come back right now I would say no way matey. He has a lot of work to do on himself and I have always had my doubts about whether he was capable of doing it, he certainly isn't making progress right now from what I can see. I will keep on living my life and making the most of it.
And this is why I haven't updated in a long time, it takes too long to say all this stuff!!
