(((dilly))) Hugs. I need to be honest. I am really concerned about you. Has it been a year since BD now? And I see you repeating the same patterns again and again, and I see you getting the same results, which are feelings of frustration and anxiety. You are also growing resentment towards him because of this and it is very, very hard to remedy that later on (trust me on this one -- the resentment is hard to remedy and takes years).
I love the personal changes you have made. Continue to make them, not for him, but for you. Because either way, I think you have solidly confirmed your position with him as plan B and he continues to make his arrangements living his plan A lifestyle. It makes me sad to read. As long as you are right there and waiting and hoping for more table scraps, he will not be interested in you. Men never pick plan B when they can have plan A. So you need to remove yourself from that slot.
When I read your posts, there is so much contradiction between how you feel about him and the way he is treating you with how you are acting, responding and lacking boundaries to protect yourself. He is planning a D and left you and you wait for any attention -- walk, R talk, or kiss on the cheek. And you have taught him you are okay with it because you have been allowing it for a year. Do you not value yourself enough than to expect to be treated well by a man? Confident women don't allow this. They would have told this guy to take a hike as soon as he mistreated her ...
A s-xy bod and makeup are not what exudes confidence .... it is all about how you carry yourself in your interactions with others and the choices you make for yourself ...
We can't expect any positive change from him, but you can change the course of your future. You can jump out of this cycle at any time. You can put your hand up and say "stop, no more, I am done with these games." Then you let him be and you start living your fabulous life on your own! Then, you will begin to feel better and attract quality people to you that can match you.
I hope you will do that soon. I believe strongly that you will begin to feel so much better once you drop the rope. What will it take to get you there?
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
(((dilly))) I have been thinking about you and wondering how you are as well. I hope I was not too harsh in my post to you. If so, I am sorry. I don't mean harm. Please come back and check in. We care for you and worry!
I hope you are well and enjoying a holiday somewhere!
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Hi guys, I have logged in to post a few times in the last couple of months but ended up clicking away, it's hard to post updates when there has been no real change in the situation.
The summer was HARD. I was grieving deeply, it was unbelievably painful. I stopped IC, I just felt like it wasn't helping. Our anniversary (25th) was spent with my good friend who took me away for a few days. I felt so thankful for good friends. But still I felt huge huge sadness inside. I took the kids away for a little while, it was ok but I felt huge huge sadness. I was relieved when the summer was over. When September and the anniversary of BD hit, I actually felt relieved, like a weight had lifted off me (I am also not good with a lack of routine). I felt like I could drop the rope a bit and move on. I also had a huge amount of work to do, for my big October deadline. I felt pretty good. My friends have been amazing, when your life goes to crap knowing that people will text you or turn up on your doorstep to give you a hug is precious.
Also in September, H went away with some of his friends and ended up in hospital feeling very unwell. I felt like I had to put aside any rope dropping to support him, I'm pretty sure he has some deep health anxieties he has never shared with anyone, and he wanted to confide in me about his health, so I listened and supported him. He has had loads of investigations and tests, which is pretty funny for someone who hates doctors and hasn't been to the GP in about 15 years. The worst possible things were ruled out. H has been seeing private doctors and seemed anxious that I was ok with the cost of this, and I told him that nothing is more important than good health so of course I supported this. They seem to have finally settled on something which is common but serious if untreated (and it is not too hard to treat with lifestyle changes and some drugs). While this was happening I had to work and work and work for my deadline, it was pretty full on but satisfying and I knew the end was in sight. H was actually quite supportive and texted me most days to ask how things were going with it, which was a definite 180. I had to take ds1 to a bunch of university open days over the autumn, he is aiming high and it was wonderful to spend some time with my mostly silent teen. When he does open his mouth it's always worth it, he is amazing. H went to one open day with us and was miserable company, I was glad he didn't come to any others.
I finished my work and went away with some friends and had a wonderful time, it was brilliant. I intend to travel a lot more next year! My ds2 was involved with a school production and worked his socks off, he was wonderful, I am so proud of my boys. After my October deadline I had a big presentation relating to it which was last week. It went really well and I got lots of compliments, this made me happy that I did such a good job. I have no idea now where my career is going as I hit a natural end and competition for the next level is ferocious and often involves relocating and working ridiculous hours. I cannot do either of those since I have my boys to look after and ds1 to get through final exams and lots of travel and LIFE to live. I don't have to work financially but I need to do something with my time. I have been doing a lot more art classes, I really enjoy being creative and making things. I also went on a writing course as I have plans to write a book. The course was wonderful and I met a bunch of great people on it. I have also been running a lot and doing exercise classes and seeing friends and taking the kids to their activities (the car is the main place they talk, I am usually glad to give them lifts to work or sports even though I pretend to complain).
H has had a turbulent time at work which has resulted in him working crazy hours and then they had a huge upset and the head of the company was thrown out and H is now doing his job temporarily as well as his own 7-6 job. I think he is literally working himself to death. I don't know what will happen there, I think H wants the job permanently (he likes to be in charge as ds2 observed) but for some reasons that might not happen. He looks horrendous, he has gained a lot of weight recently as he has barely exercised but clearly been comfort eating a lot, he has cut down drinking (he says, but then how come so much weight gain? Also, cutting down might mean to just excessive instead of dangerous levels...) Needless to say, he does not look like someone happy with his life decisions. I probably see him once a week right now, I stopped going to see him in the week due to my deadline and then there have been train disruptions making it hard to get there. Plus I hate going to see him near his job, I hate being around lots of people and feeling lonely, though that might change. Oh yes, and H moved house, it was all quite weird as he moved further from work but he said it was so it took less time to drive to see us (hmm). I said it would be good to see his place and I would wait for an invitation but that never came. All highly suspicious but all I can say is if he is seeing someone she is getting a fat alcoholic workaholic with huge mental health issues and very limited time to give her so ha, the joke would be on her. I have no control over whether he is seeing someone and he would have to keep it top secret anyway as it would be someone at work and that would kill his career, so the chances of me finding out are pretty low.
Honestly though, he looks deeply depressed and very unhealthy and I am just treating him with kindness and compassion while I get on with my life. He has instigated one R talk (on the phone) where he talked about D for maybe the second time since BD, he clearly felt pressured to 'move on' somehow. But then nothing happened after that, I DBed pretty well and used the stock phrases we have for deflecting R talks. I did tell him about some of the dreams I have had about him, just because I had them months ago and I have been wanting to share them. Might not have helped but something I needed to do. H said 'I don't know why it's so hard to make a decision, I'm usually so decisive' and I said 'it's because we have been together for 30 years and we are part of each other' and he sort of sobbed. He has not mentioned D since then, but has just seen me and the kids once each weekend. If I'm out when he comes home he rings me to find out where I am and when I'm coming home, so clearly he does want to spend time with me, as long as it's not more than a couple of hours and not more than once a week. Ugh. Anyway, I am leaving him alone and just texting him the odd funny thing which he usually responds to. I feel pity for him, but I can't save him. We go for walks together and he tells me all about the work stuff (it's ridiculous, politics on acid) and his health stuff and I listen and validate and then once in a blue moon he asks about me, he has no space in his head right now for me though so I have zero expectations there.
Ds1 instigated an interesting conversation about H the other day, he said something about how H spent years sleeping on an uncomfortable sofa (which I have since replaced), and it brought home yet again how H has been mistreating himself for literally years, like he deserves punishment. Although he also mistreated his family, too. And then ds1 said 'but of course this has NOTHING to do with his mum' and we both sort of laughed wryly. I only told the kids about 2 months ago the story about how H's mother abandoned him and his sister when they were teenagers. I don't know how they never knew before, they figured she had done SOMETHING to justify the way we talk about her, but they had no idea what the real story was. So they asked what she had done and I told them everything. We talked about H's sister and her marriage failures, and H's brother and him being on his 3rd wife and how he abandoned his step kids for an affair when they were the same age he was when his mum abandoned them for an affair. Ds1 said 'and so the circle continues'. He is a smart kid, he knows exactly what is happening here even if he rarely talks about it. I find it difficult to talk to him about it because it's upsetting and I don't want to put myself and my feelings in there too much because he has his own R to negotiate with H. But I also want him to be able to talk to me about this stuff, he is very silent mostly so for him to say this stuff is big, I don't want to scare him off if he brings it up. But I'm glad he is connecting the dots, it gives me hope that he won't do the same thing when he hits his late 40s. Though H was essentially abandoned by his dad as well as his mum, so he had nobody. Ds1 has me and knows I love him unconditionally and always will even if his dad is messing up his life. I think ds1 has compassion for H too, he is a very sweet and caring person. H is coming back for Christmas Eve, Christmas day and Boxing day and then the day after I am taking the kids away for a week somewhere a bit warmer. I didn't bother asking H if he wanted to join us, I don't want him there right now. I am resolving not to drink too much when H is here, we haven't spent any time at home together in I don't even remember how long, I would like to make it a warm and happy and relaxed time no matter what H or I are feeling. My family situation might not be ideal but it is what it is, make the most of the time together because my teens will be leaving home before I know it (next year for ds1).
Anyway, that is my update. No real change other than I would say 95% of the time I feel ok, I feel like myself. The colour has crept back into my life and although I feel lonely sometimes I am generally in a good place and feeling positive. Occasionally I slide into resentment and self pity and then I pick myself up and move on. If H wanted to come back right now I would say no way matey. He has a lot of work to do on himself and I have always had my doubts about whether he was capable of doing it, he certainly isn't making progress right now from what I can see. I will keep on living my life and making the most of it.
And this is why I haven't updated in a long time, it takes too long to say all this stuff!!
Dilly - thank you for the update. It should s like you are doing well, even if it's only 95% of the time. But honestly, even the most sorted people aren't happy 100% of the time, so you're probably doing better than OK.
That's great about the traveling. I have spent a lot of time in the last year travelling. It has been the making of me. I love my kids, I still love my H, but these are things I could never have done if we were still together. I've stood on top of Mt Blanc, sailed a boat on the Adriatic, visited Auschwitz, and mediated in the 2nd largest mosque in the world. I hope you find your travels as fulfilling as I have.
I am so glad to hear from you, Dilly. It sounds like, despite the deep sadness and grief you are going through (I know how that feels) you are doing okay and looking after yourself and your kids. You sound much steadier and in control of what you want than you did earlier this year. I am so glad to hear that. Your H sounds like he is circling the drain. Painful for you to watch, but it sounds like you are detached enough that he isn't going to take you down with him. I hope having him around for Christmas isn't too difficult for you.
I will catch up with you again in the new year, I hope. x
I am so thrilled that you came back and posted. I was starting to feel bad and wondering if I was too hard on you or pushed you away. I am sorry that summer was so hard. Do you feel like the deep grief was therapeutic and helped you move towards acceptance?
He sounds like he is still quite a mess. You are right -- if he is a depressed, overweight alcoholic, it is very hard to imagine he is off having As or enjoying some extravagant life. Maybe there was one OW and it fell to pieces and now he is left with the guilt and residual damage he has caused? That could drive anyone to drink! I guess there is no way to know, so why focus on that.
I am glad that you are enjoying time with friends and have more trips planned. I hope you are finding some joy in the holidays.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Blu: he has been sliding into alcoholism for a LONG time now, decades probably, I do believe he wants to extract himself from it now but has no idea how. Not my problem if he can't kick his crutch away, I have no control over that or about his working himself to death. I suppose the one consolation is that he is making plenty of money whilst working himself to death, he could be a typical MLCer and be getting into debt. You did not chase me away, I just needed to grieve and I think that was a healthy and inevitable thing to do.
Christmas was a bit tricky but ok overall, H was well behaved on Christmas day but went to bed super early that day and the day before, then left early on Boxing Day. He seemed deeply, deeply depressed and complained about feeling poorly the whole time. I was relieved when he left to be honest. He worked most of the Christmas break and has had lots of work stress going on. Same old same old, he's stuck in a deep dark hole and sometimes I go and peer at him and listen to him complaining even though he has the tools to make a ladder. He did seem happy with the presents I bought him and made a big fuss about one thing I bought him in particular. He bought me something which I had mentioned about a month earlier when I was out with him and the kids as something I wanted. Some tiny effort went in there which is all he can do currently, but I am not even bothering to read anything in there. I went for a run on Christmas day and mentioned that I saw a male friend who H has met. He said 'is he married?' and I said I didn't know. Made me laugh inside. He doesn't want me but doesn't want anyone else to have me. Change that record, it's kind of funny when you spot the patterns from other posters on here, at least I know now to have zero expectations. He also renewed his car insurance at our address, even though he had to ring them and could have given them his new address. Who knows what that is about. I always used to deal with all insurance stuff pre BD, but I just left the documents there and didn't mention them so he could deal with them.
I took the kids away with a sense of relief but honestly I was pretty lonely on holiday. Teens sleep A LOT! I went running and enjoyed the sun, spent some time watching trashy telly with ds1 but ds2 was a withdrawn teen mostly. He's nearly 15, my expectations are even lower of him than of H. Still, I enjoyed spending time soaking up the sun and going somewhere different, read a lot and relaxed. Now we are back home, I have been catching up with a few friends briefly and going running. I did a race with a friend this morning and as I finished H rang me about 3 times, when I rang back he said he was at home but had to leave due to a work crisis happening today. I went home and he wanted to go for a walk, he complained endlessly about work stuff and I validated. He complained that ds2 never answers him when he rings or texts him. Reap what you sow is what I thought but didn't say. H did ask a few questions about our holiday and about what I was doing next week and I just gave vague details. Then a colleague rang him halfway through our walk. We went home and he said that because ds2 didn't want to go for lunch he would leave. Never mind that ds1 wanted to and that he had barely seen ds1, weird. Ds1 is his favourite, or at least the kid who complains the least about having to see H. H said that ds2 had agreed to go away with him next weekend, interesting that he is chasing to connect with him. I usually have to take ds2 to an activity on Saturday so I immediately thought maybe I would go away for the weekend (I have to admit to feeling hurt at being rejected as company for the weekend even though you would think I would be used to it by now, it still hurts). I booked a weekend away and will tell H that no, I can't meet him and ds2 and ds1 halfway next Sunday as he suggested. I have had enough of playing games. I have had enough of being fed little crumbs of an hour of his time each weekend. I refuse to go visit him near work if it's up to me to suggest it and be squeezed in briefly. I have had enough of being his emotional support when he wants to complain about work or his health (still bad) or whatever but get no emotional support in return. H has been slowly BDing me for literally years now and I have reached my limit now. Time to move on properly. I need to tread carefully because it's in my interest (I think) to stay married as long as possible financially, but I'm bored of this situation and tired of feeling lonely and unwanted. I am a pretty amazing person and deserve so much better. This whole situation squashes your self esteem something chronic but I am not prepared to accept this any more. I want sex and companionship and someone who cares about me, not a total boring alcoholic workaholic narcissist. I'm contemplating online dating even though the thought terrifies me. It might not go anywhere but I want someone to express an INTEREST in me for a change, not just my friends but a man. I have a lot of love to give and a lot of joy to share with the right person, H does not qualify and has not for a long time now because he has made it clear he does not want my love or my joy.
Future plans: I have some pretty cool travel to organise for the summer both by myself and with ds1. Should be amazing. I have lined up a lot of activities the next couple of months, particularly art as that makes me happy. Normal life resumes somewhat next week after the Christmas break which will make life easier as I have been pretty socially isolated over Christmas with my friends seeing their families and me being away. I think I have reached the stage where I struggle to care about R, or more precisely I have given up hope of H changing enough to make that possible. I'm a pretty hopeful person generally so it has taken a long time. Maybe I will grieve again, but probably not as deeply or for so long this time. If this is dropping the rope then I think it's currently still held but it's a skein.
So, the holiday season is over. It was tough but I'm looking forward to normal life resuming. I have a lot of goals to work towards. And some fun to have!
I am so glad you got away on holiday. Teens are rubbish company but you got sunshine and you were there for them, even if all they wanted was pocket money and food. I think that matters: they know you are emotionally available to them and present, even if what they need is space and privacy. You are giving them that and they will remember it and it will lay the foundations for your adult relationship with them. (I hope this is true for me too, as the owner of a sulky teen myself...).
Your H sounds like terrible company. At least you only have to have it in small doses, and you don't have to live inside that head of his. I think withdrawing the wife-admin and letting him do his own car insurance is a great move. I remember you paying his rent for him and being aghast at that. I think you withdrawing the emotional support is probably a good move too. I know we're taught to validate, but I think with men like your H (and mine, when he is in that mood) too much of it lets them sit in their self pity, festering and whinging. If you can do it as a kindness without cost to yourself, well fine - but it is keeping you hooked into a marriage where you service his depression in a way that probably enables it. I guess I'm saying I think you're probably a crutch to him too - like the alcohol. You can't take away the bottle but you can take away the pacifying services he's extracting from you.
Do you have new year's resolutions?
I have two: to see my friends more often (I have been really sucked into my work this winter) and have people over to the house more often. Which is strange now H is living in it again, and awkward, but I won't be isolated. The second is to have dinner at the table with my kids every night. I've been letting them eat in front of their screens, or in their bedrooms - partly as an easy life for myself - but it's led to some shocking table manners and a bit of disconnection. I don't like that laziness in me. So no more of it.
