Mulling things over while gardening & wanted to put this here for my record. I was thinking about one of the things H said during BD: "I don't know who I am at home anymore." In a way, this didn't surprise me, because after a lifetime of insisting he was the happiest person and nothing could get to him, H was realizing this was not the case. We'd recognized this in his mom a few years back. I thought then, yes, there are things in our M that need work, but this is also an identity crisis for H.
Over the past six months, I've realized I'd lost some of my confidence and independence over our 16-year R (and I've already started to gain those back, since I've had to rely completely on myself since he checked out), but I never lost my identity or ability to create happiness for myself, within myself. I know who I am. I will continue to build my confidence and independence no matter what, but I had and have a life independent of H; I was working toward life goals and am still working toward them. With an IC and a coach, I also began work on understanding my patterns and less than helpful ways of communicating, things that I didn't have enough distance from to recognize before, and I've made progress on those whether H acknowledges it or not. I will continue to work on those as part of my 180. Sometimes I forget that he hasn't seen any of my anger and barely any of my sadness since BD; though I've had those feelings a lot and expressed them to others, I've remained calm with him.
In my most centered, self-assured moments, I understand that H is unhappy with himself, doesn't know who he is, and it's easier to blame that all on the M and me. I want him to find himself and find happiness within himself—I just wish he didn't feel walking away from the M and finding validation in new friends was the way to do it. I do think he needs the D to feel like he's really "free" to be happy, to chase after his idea of a new life, which doesn't seem well-defined right now, other than that he'll be free of any responsibility to please anyone but himself... well, there will still be that same issue with his mom, but I don't think he realizes that!
I think he needs the D to have a chance of realizing I'm not the source of his unhappiness. I would like to channel empathy instead of anger. I would like to have faith all is not lost between us for good.
