Confused and Lost II

[KristinG]

Friends, seriously thank you so much for all your responses. I want to get back to each of you.

Basically the idea is that a "thought" is just that - a thought. It doesn't predetermine anything, and it doesn't mean anything. It only starts to mean something if you choose to believe it is true - and it is at that point it becomes a choice, for you to decide to go in the direction the thought leads you, or not.

So well put IW. I watched a YouTube short once about this concept. It was essentially a cartoon showing this dynamic as a bicycle. Your emotions and thoughts are the wheels, always in motion. Choice is the handlebar, directing which direction you travel. This in turn creates new emotions, thoughts, and thus choice. It is up to us to shape our own destination as to where it will lead.

I understand your desire to be the lighthouse and you can! But you seem to think that's by making things easy for W to come home. No. Your goal isn't to "pave the way home", it's to not put any more [censored] in the road.

I hadn't thought about it in those exact terms, thanks! To answer some of your questions, I consider myself a lesbian. I am fine with queer as well. You will most likely laugh at this because I jokingly refer to myself as a chapstick lesbian. I am definitely more femme, but I don't do heels and lipstick. I always dress nicely, always wear makeup, and also have a little hipster/rocker vibe going. I think we're around the same age, but yes, I'm a little younger. It is definitely a cultural thing to remain friends post relationship. It doesn't bother me, but it is hard to imagine a future with our mutual queer friends in which we are just meant to be fine with it all. Too much pain ATM.

4) I'd like to know more about your caretaker dynamic with W. She seems to be fulfilled in part by the fact that she is caretaker for OP. I am not suggesting you weaken yourself to change your dynamic with W. But I have some thoughts and I'd like to hear more about how you two would have interacted when your R was on solid ground.

This is one area that I need improvement. It is one of my top priorities when I start IC. I have realized a trend in past relationships and current, that I am far too nurturing and caring. I don't think I was this way when our R was on solid ground. WW graduated college and became depressed because of a lack of career opportunities. When I really think about past experiences and my own shortcomings I noticed that whenever faced with R hardship, I kick into fix-it or momma bear mode and try to make my partner happy. This includes walking on egg-shells, way too much pampering and doting, and generally ignoring my own needs and feelings.

I completely agree that she is getting fulfillment from being caretaker for OP. She has even told me that it feels good for her to feel needed. It [censored]. It's all I have wanted from her since our dynamic shifted. Prior to graduation, she was an amazing caretaker and stay at home student. I worked, she cooked, cleaned, and went to school. I miss our teamwork and mutual effort. I would love to hear your thoughts.

Blu,

I'm finding more ways for "self care" everyday. Last night, I got greasy takeout, put fresh sheets on the bed, and watched a movie. I also spent way too much on a cordless vacuum I have been wanting for a few months. Adulting for the win! I am feeling much better and thanks for asking - the flu [censored]. I have been reading and re-reading your advice on both mine and May's page. I will be ruminating on letting go and moving forward with my life. I have some ideas and will be posting soon for advice on wording and prep work.

CW,

Glad you're still standing strong! Thanks for a few laughs on a Monday morning!



KG