How are you my friend? I couldn't sleep well last night because I had a cappuccino after dinner. I got caught up on your thread. I have been thinking about what I could offer you. I was laying awake thinking about some of my recent posts -- I just came down pretty hard on May -- and somehow it felt more natural because I can see (or what I think I see) more similarities between her sitch and my previous sitch. When I read your threads, it is a bit harder for me to understand the dynamics. One of my goals moving forward in this community is to try and think about the differences and not give the same cookie cutter advice we keep reading here. When my H came home he was vulnerable and humbled, however your H has come back but doesn't seem ready to really do the hard work yet.
Hello Blu! I am in better spirits today. I've been unwell for the past couple of days and I had to miss the visit to H's IC that I agreed to make. I was worried about that - but he could see that I really was ill (I was feverish and needed to stay in bed) so he went on his own. We didn't discuss what they spoke about and I don't know when his next appointment is.
I would not say that my H is vulnerable or humbled. Except I know he lashes out when he feels vulnerable, shamed or anxious - so if I assume that is what's underneath his unpleasant behaviours, perhaps he's more vulnerable and humbled than appears. He does say he wants to work on our marriage, he's glad he came home, he feels happier these days. He generally seems more concerned that things are working out better for him than they are for me. We have both made some changes. It was necessary for me to make changes. I'm not perfect but I am glad he feels a little better about things. I worry he doesn't seem to have the same concern for my happiness as I do for his - though he's an acts of service man and less likely to express himself verbally than through actions.
Originally Posted by BluWave
You have described your H in the past as being cold, a bully and even abusive. It sounds as if he has softened a bit, however you still have ambivalence. We talked about that ambivalence as being a natural protective mechanism and a necessary one. In your last couple of posts, you are describing things that I find very concerning :-( You don't feel safe talking about your feelings because he can't handle that, and so you hold them in. And you are also describing some strange, and cruel sounding, teasing. I am having trouble even picturing what that looks like. Can you tell me more? How long does is last? Does he mean it as a joke? Do you just walk away?
This sarcastic, nasty behaviour used to be a feature of my life daily. It involved name-calling, mocking, doing impressions of me, talking in silly high pitched voices, hunching over (I am much smaller than him) and 'pretending' to be me, saying things I hadn't said then arguing with himself, pretending to be me. I used to get really upset and cry, which would give him more fuel for his mockery. Or I'd try to stroke his arms and calm and pacify him as you would soothe a tantruming two year old, and that never worked either. Sometimes I'd get furious and fight back (verbally, I mean - I have been verbally abusive in these moments in the past but never ever ever physically), which would escalate things. When we lived apart and I started setting boundaries he had no opportunity to act in this way. Now when it happens (much less often) I leave the room without a word and insist on an apology before we get closer again. He will apologise but it doesn't mean much to me, I have to be honest. The performance tends to last as long as he has an audience for it so leaving is the most sensible thing to do. He will sometimes carry on in a room on his own (I can sometimes hear him from other room) and sometimes me leaving is enough to get him to regain control over himself. He does not mean it as a joke: I have told him in calm times I find it upsetting, hurtful and humiliating and it prevents me feeling safe enough to get close to him.
Often he will deny that it happened at all, or he will say it was my fault that it happened. He said to me - in a rare moment of recent insight and self-reflection - that he felt so helpless and smothered and burdened in our relationship for so long, and so seething with resentment - that now he feels safer expressing his feelings he over-reacts and things spill out too much. (I believe Unchien suggested exactly this a few posts earlier in this thread and I think he was spot-on). I asked him what his plan was to do something about his resentment and emotional reactions (well, my exact words were 'what you do plan to do about your compulsion to behave in way that damages our marriage), and he didn't say anything. He seems to believe, still, that it is the world's job to adjust to what he needs, rather than him controlling his emotions and behaviour no matter what happens in the outside world. I believe that is at the root of many out our parenting disagreements - he expects a level of emotional maturity and self control from his teenage son that he is unable to exert over himself, and that he doesn't, deep down, think he should apply to himself. That interferes with my ability to respect him.
Originally Posted by BluWave
I get the sense that he is dismissing your feelings and justifying that by saying that you are "playing a victim." I don't like that at all. It is hard work to restore a M and it takes both people to be patient, kind, and willing to look at how they can change. I see that you are able to self reflect and make changes, but I am not sure he is doing the same. Does he ever just listen and validate how you feel? My fear is if he can't learn to do that then this M cannot heal. It has to come from both people.
Yes, he does sometimes listen and validate me. He is patient and kind more often. I see him working very hard on his relationship with the children and in doing acts of service to demonstrate love. I think the root of the problem is his passivity. Which sounds strange when I am describing such actively unpleasant behaviours. But when he finds something upsetting, stressful or anxiety-inducing, he tends to lash out at the thing that he believes is causing the problem. He's an absolutely compulsive blamer.
He had a little grump this morning about not being able to have any time to himself. I said 'why not take the morning to yourself and I can be in with the kids,' (no problem to me - I can do some baking with them) - he then grumped a bit more and said 'well, I'll have to come back before lunch anyway because I need to do...(some other thing)' and I said 'okay - well, so long as we know that you're choosing not to have two hours to yourself, not that me or the kids are taking that two hours from you.' I guess I was being overbearing and naggy and annoying but I do feel a need to point out to him that he's making his own problems then blaming others for them, then when others get upset about that, blaming them for that too. It's much less than it used to be, but I wonder how deep-seated his changes actually are. We have a regular thing where he refuses to plan the weekends, doesn't want to be pinned down, doesn't want to say what he wants to do, then whines about how he hasn't had his needs met. I don't accept that any more. I ask him what he wants and tell him I'd like to meet his needs but he's going to need to express them for that to be possible. He finds it nearly impossible to say 'I want...' - I believe he had a very overbearing and critical mother.
I am different than I used to be. I enjoy my life without him. I generally emotionally avoid him. Perhaps that's all the marriage a person like him can manage. Perhaps I will decide in time that it isn't enough. Perhaps he will continue to work on his problems in IC and things will slowly change. I feel much more confident than I ever did that he's got some real personality problems and his antics don't as much hurt me as a person anymore, but they damage our marriage. That's different. I can survive and thrive without a marriage to this man. I have myself and I am much better protected and safer than I used to be.
[/quote]I hope otherwise you are finding enjoyment in the holidays. This time of year can be hard.
What happened to Dilly, does anyone know? I miss her and think about her too ...
Blu[/quote]
And you too Blu - thanks for checking in on me. I am having lots of fun time and feeling better after my illness. Plan to do a little baking today, I hope. Do you have fun festive plans?
I haven't heard anything about or from Dilly in months. I hope she is okay. If you still lurk and read Dilly - I think of you very often and would love to hear how you are getting on.
