Hello FS - it's been a long while since I've posted but I've been catching up on your thread today. It sounds like you're coming towards a crunch point with the house and your job, and if you do end up having to get a new house, the way H still acts like he is your H sometimes - the long visits in the family room, the expectation you will be in to take his parcels - will have to end or he will have to explicitly state what he wants 'I want to spend time with you in your house' rather than just sneaking it in. That is having effects on you both. Perhaps raising the tensions. Perhaps raising the tensions for the children too, even if you don't explicitly talk about it to them.
I have tons of sympathy with you when it comes to parenting teens. And I've been reflecting a while on what you say about not DBing children: about demonstrating to them that love is unconditional no matter how badly they treat us. I did always agree with that - always thought it was important to demonstrate affection and acceptance no matter what. H has a different parenting strategy, and has no problem telling the kids he doesn't want to be around them because he is angry with them, or that their behaviour is damaging their relationship with him. I always really hated that - thought it was manipulative, borderline emotionally abusive and cruel - his explanation is that it's actually a loving act, and preparing them for the real world, where people won't just soak up any type of behaviour and come back for more. I don't know who is right: I know I've had to work hard to set boundaries and perhaps come a little closer to his way of thinking. I can see he's working hard to show affection and love and speak with more respect, even when he's needing to give discipline, so perhaps coming more towards my side of things. Even harder to do across two separate houses and without the safety of being able to have vulnerable conversations together. Anyway: I just wanted to thank you for that as it has given me a lot of food for thought. And to wish you a peaceful Christmas. x
