A quick little vent. My dad has been in town for the holidays since last Sunday.
My parents separated when I was 11, but they are completely amicable now and dad always stays with Mum and Stepdad whenever he visits - usually once a year. Now, as an adult, I can see that his life has pretty much been a shambles since my mum left him 20 years ago after years of trying to get him to participate in marriage and family life.
He was the big shot that everyone loved, the funny guy with the loud voice. He was also emotionally unavailable, avoidant, didn't respect boundaries - the works. Sounds familiar, huh? I get along fine with him, and share things that are going on in my life, but I have no idea what goes on in his life. I'm perfectly fine with the depth of our relationship and don't want anything more.
On Monday I took S1 to mum's place for dinner. Dad was very happy to see his only grandchild. We had polite chit-chat and did the awkward one-armed side-hug.
I have strong boundaries about my personal space because Dad has never respected it. As a child, he would flick, slap, pinch, tickle, fidget, caress etc, and occasionally drive me to tears with his physical attention. I won't call it affection, though I'm sure in his mind it was. He would literally trap me in a hug and rub his beard stubble on my face even after I told him I didn't like it and please stop and would eventually scream to be let go. He would either laugh and tell me to stop being silly, or get grumpy and offended at the thought he'd done something wrong.
So for years now, I haven't allowed any at all, because it makes me extremely uncomfortable. He still reacts badly when I politely turn down a hug or escape from a shoulder rub. He will sulk and 'punish' me by withdrawing his attention. The manipulation is quite childish and obvious.
He knew I had the day off last Wednesday, yet booked in a day trip to visit an old drinking buddy. I'm guessing this was in retaliation for Monday night's offense. Before he arrived for this visit, he sent messages telling me he would have so much time to spend with me and S1 and that he couldn't wait to see us. But it did't seem like he was making us a priority...
He also made himself scarce from the family gathering last night, which is understandable. When he got home, he asked if I had plans today and I said no, feel free to come over. I suggested we take S1 to the beach for a swim. He then backtracked and said he had to go shopping so he might be able to fit us in if he had time... Okay, whatever.
Woke up to rain this morning and a phone call saying he was going to the shops and we could meet him there if we wanted. The last place I wanted to be was in the last-minute shopping madness - I deliberately did all my shopping weeks ago to avoid it. So I said no thanks, but you're welcome to pick up lunch and bring it here. He said he would be there at 11:30.
Now, like all toddlers, S1 has a midday nap. 11:30 came and went. 11:45 he messages to say he'd be another 20 minutes. 12:05 and S1 is hungry and overtired. Finally at 12:15 he arrives with fast food. S1 isn't in the mood to eat so I say he can have his lunch afterwards since it's an hour past naptime. I tell Dad I had planned to take a nap as well and he's welcome to hang out and watch TV until S1 wakes up so they can play. I swear, he actually huffed like a moody teenager and said "No, I'll just nick off and come back later". So off he went.
So now I'm sitting here typing this out instead of napping, because I'm a bit annoyed.
