Updating/journaling regardless of this thread not being wildly popular (I think in part b/c I don't comment on others', but I don't feel I am in a place to give advice to anyone about this stuff):
-H did finally pay me Friday afternoon. -H was in town Friday for his work's xmas party. I saw he came into the house and got the dog food I had ordered (he left before it came in last week) and a bunch of suits. I immediately panicked and felt awful. I did find out later the suits were impromptu and for another coworker. He didn't take anything else. He hasn't told me the past 3 times that he's been in the house (but I'd seen it on the camera).
He and I have never discussed boundaries/him coming to the house when I am not here. I'd mentioned in MC offhand "why have a key if you do not live or stay here?" I ordered new deadbolts that come today. It's been 2 months since BD/incident so he at this point has legally abandoned all of his stuff and had opportunities to get the rest, but I've not said anything. I feel anything I say or do is just used as ammo against me. The locks I feel OK about because since he wasn't telling me he was coming in, I think it's a reasonable reaction to coming home to stuff missing. There's no point in telling him, since again he doesn't live nor stay here.
I chose to stay here in the house for Xmas and not go to my parent's house. I used to work retail so holidays alone aren't abnormal for me. I've ordered a lot of puzzles to do (my fave).
That said, I feel so down and disappointed. I know I shouldn't expect stuff, but he was so sincere about contacting me to hang out in response 'what to do going forward' question. As of today, it's been an entire month since we hung out together on purpose (after counseling at a brewery for several hours). It's been the longest NC thus far (a week). I do wonder if he thinks it's odd that I didn't text him anything about stuff being missing from the house, or that I didn't thank him for paying me for his phone.
I do genuinely think there is no OW, since this BD was a direct result of something that I did to him. Deep down, I do believe he doesn't know what he wants, and is keeping me on the hook. He's made no movement to continue to move on or work on us. His boss had spoken to him about not leaving people in limbo about stuff, and was speaking about how H had a bunch of stuff in H's office (and implying stuff with me), and apparently that did prompt H to get his items out of the office some time last week.
Last week's MC did show me how angry he still is, and how he has just spent the past 2 months running from his feelings and not doing anything. I am trying to be loving and patient, but this situation is painful for me, and he cannot see or acknowledge that. I am committed to doing nothing, even though some days I want to just say gtfo. I've kept my word on not asking to do stuff anymore, and am giving him maximum space. I don't want to be the one who calls it quits - at least not now, anyhow. He is very good at playing the victim, and I don't want to give him another chance to do so. In my heart, I do believe he thinks he will want to come back at a later time. When our mutual friend had drinks with him 1.5 weeks ago, mutual friend mentioned how many times H used the phrase 'if we get back together,' which he had not used to anyone before. I don't think H realizes that the longer he takes, the less there is to come back to. There's no way to directly articulate 'hey you are losing me btw' without it sounding like an ultimatum, and IDK if my NC reads that way. I'm glad I didn't react to him on Friday, or break down and contact him to hang out yesterday, and hope I am able to stay the course the rest of the break. I took off Monday, so don't work again until Thursday. I am using this hermit time to my advantage, but will get out of the house some, too. Just needed to get this all out. I have IC tomorrow afternoon.
