How are you my friend? I couldn't sleep well last night because I had a cappuccino after dinner. I got caught up on your thread. I have been thinking about what I could offer you. I was laying awake thinking about some of my recent posts -- I just came down pretty hard on May -- and somehow it felt more natural because I can see (or what I think I see) more similarities between her sitch and my previous sitch. When I read your threads, it is a bit harder for me to understand the dynamics. One of my goals moving forward in this community is to try and think about the differences and not give the same cookie cutter advice we keep reading here. When my H came home he was vulnerable and humbled, however your H has come back but doesn't seem ready to really do the hard work yet.
You have described your H in the past as being cold, a bully and even abusive. It sounds as if he has softened a bit, however you still have ambivalence. We talked about that ambivalence as being a natural protective mechanism and a necessary one. In your last couple of posts, you are describing things that I find very concerning :-( You don't feel safe talking about your feelings because he can't handle that, and so you hold them in. And you are also describing some strange, and cruel sounding, teasing. I am having trouble even picturing what that looks like. Can you tell me more? How long does is last? Does he mean it as a joke? Do you just walk away?
I get the sense that he is dismissing your feelings and justifying that by saying that you are "playing a victim." I don't like that at all. It is hard work to restore a M and it takes both people to be patient, kind, and willing to look at how they can change. I see that you are able to self reflect and make changes, but I am not sure he is doing the same. Does he ever just listen and validate how you feel? My fear is if he can't learn to do that then this M cannot heal. It has to come from both people.
I hope otherwise you are finding enjoyment in the holidays. This time of year can be hard.
What happened to Dilly, does anyone know? I miss her and think about her too ...
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
