Hi KG, I just read through your thread a lightning speed.
So here are my thoughts, queer to queer. You may hate me. I want you to be on the "other side" of this pain and look in the mirror and feel like a bad@$$ lezzie who is loving her life, and did the HARD WORK to get there. Right now I feel like you are picking and choosing the path to your healing.
1) Blu. Everything BluWave said is exactly right. Read and reread what she has written to you multiple times. It is the most helpful advice if you try your hardest to really hear her. Do not skim these posts.
2) About being "the Lighthouse". Here's the thing - a Lighthouse is for a ship looking to come home. Your W has zero intention of coming home. Not even one iota. She says the words but has not made one single authentic step in the last year. She is not coming back in the near future.
I understand your desire to be the lighthouse and you can! But you seem to think that's by making things easy for W to come home. No. Your goal isn't to "pave the way home", it's to not put any more [censored] in the road.
No need to be cruel or mean. But you can and should start ignoring W and going dim (you don't have to be NC, but you do need to stop hanging out and talking and using pet names and saying ILY. Seriously, stop that. And stop talking about your relationship. You don't have one.).
What does it mean to add stuff to the road? Well, for example, going out and hooking up with someone else out of spite would be adding stuff to the road. But you taking a MAJOR step back is not going to stop her if she had any interest in returning. All you need to be is cordial.
3) Ahhh, lezzie culture. You mentioned in a November post about not being her friend during this. I know you're a bit younger than me, and I tend to be more familiar with an older lesbian crowd, so the dynamics are a tad different and changing. BUT.
Lesbians are friends with their exes. It's a joked about dynamic. We all know that in a party of lesbians most have some weird degree of separation with sleeping with one another. And sometimes it's legit, but honestly I think in some ways this is the most BS part of our culture.
For anyone reading not familiar with queer culture: To be fair,, this dynamic was built out of protection. For folks who had lost so much family due to being themselves, a new family of similar people was born. Hence the incredibly popular idea that lesbians are all friends after breaking up.
So it is my advice to NOT PLAY in to this storyline.
4) I'd like to know more about your caretaker dynamic with W. She seems to be fulfilled in part by the fact that she is caretaker for OP. I am not suggesting you weaken yourself to change your dynamic with W. But I have some thoughts and I'd like to hear more about how you two would have interacted when your R was on solid ground.
