I guess because you weren't posting as much I got the impresson H's snide comments had lessoned. And perhaps they had for a while, and I simply didn't know about these more recent stressors.
Originally Posted by Flysolo
He is scared because this comfy little arrangement we have where he gets to have his cake and eat it too is ending and I, well I am scared that this comfy little arrangement where I get to have my cake and eat it too is ending.
This is so insightful. Most of what you write is very insightful. You know what your triggers are, you know that you shut down. I really feel like that's the biggest battle - knowing your own weaknesses. Most people truly are not self aware in this way. And perhaps it's just that you can't change these patterns until the situation changes. And I completely hear you with the fear of the unknown, and losing comfort.
I get it. I agree with you. I still am resistent to changes that take away some of my comfort level and my sense of safety. But when I was absolutely FORCED to face my worst fears and leave my comfort zone - everything turned out okay. It was not what I wanted, but my behaviors have changed because my scenerio changed. I was forced into it, but I'm a happier, healthier, better version of Yail than I was 1.5 years ago.
It's the resistence that makes it that much harder. You can't see what's next, and we can't make it easier for you, but if I can do anything for you it's just to say that for me the other side is greener. I just had no idea what it would look like.
I don't like that he is responding so strongly to the tension and blaming you. How much interaction are the two of you having? I know you're coparenting, but are there ways to back off interacting with him? To change the dynamic between the two of you it has to come from you, he's not going to change - he just wants to pick,pick,pick. And I'm thinking the best way for you to change the dynamic is to take a break from it. Is that possible?
I'm thinking of you. I'm so sorry this is an especially tough time. May I recommend some cross stitch to relax? I think we're both a fan of the snarky phrases. Why not make a pretty decoration for your bedroom wall that makes you smile? Maybe not snarky. Maybe the "We are the granddaughters of witches you couldn't burn" just to make you feel powerful?
For the first time, well, ever, I asked him to leave today. It was over D13. She had another incident the other night and hasn't spoken to me since. He said that I need to sort it out because it is becoming a joke. That I needed to fix things with her. I tried to explain that I was giving her space, and he responded reasonably that space wasn't what she needed, she needs to know that her mom loves her. He was making total sense, but just the tone and the accusation (perceived or otherwise) that this is all my fault, triggered the shut down response from me and I went into auto pilot mode - the overly detached, unmoving version of me. He called me selfish and unloving to which I responded "Well, you've made it clear you see me as the babysitter so what else do you expect" and turned my back on him, he kept talking so I spoke over him and said "See you later". I repeated it each time he went to say something until he left.
I know, childish, completely unnecessary and more than a little bit undignified. I just cannot talk to him without getting myself would up. And what he was saying was the right thing - even though he said it in his usual judgemental "you are sh!t at everything" way.
Tomorrow is another day. Chin up.
Nobody is a perfect person or parent. We try to be perfect because we think that it will draw our X back to us. One little mistake, and we fret. It's good to get to a place where you aren't worried about being perfect. You improve, you make mistakes, you improve from those mistakes. Don't beat yourself up. Just strive to get to a place where you're okay not being perfect.
Yail - I am so rubbish at anything crafty. I start on some massively ambitious project, spend a fortune setting up, then quit after a week. I like to think that's why I'm good at what I do. I am good with being presented with a problem, coming up with an ambitions design, getting people to commit to spending money on the design, then leave it to other people to implement. Right now I've spent a fortune on baking 'stuff' with all intentions of doing lots of Christmas baking. It won't get done, and I'll be buying cakes and biscuits on the 24th.
I spent some time posting on Kas thread about how we don't DB our children, that we keep trying to get through to them and decided that I should take my own advice. So, I sent D13 a message (she was at a friends for the night) telling her have a good time, that I loved her and that I'd see her today. I didn't get anything back but hopefully it is enough that I sent it.
I also messaged H and said he was right when he said giving her space wasn't the answer. She needs to know that I am there for her. That my love is unconditional (he didn't use those words - but it's what he meant). It was hard sending that text to my H. My daughter is not the only one who is proud.
D13 was at her friends all day and is spending the night tonight with her dad. Its just been me and D10 all day which has been nice.
I ran into my H's brother today. He has (again) split with his GF. They've been together over ten years and share a daughter, so more than his GF. Anyway, I asked how his GF was and he said that they don't talk much other than about their D7. He said that he felt she was focusing too much on herself, on going out and making friends, and not enough on D7 ... and then it clicked. The two times in the last year my H and I have had anything close to an argument (snide remarks aside) he has accused me of being selfish. He never elaborates but I think he resents me getting a life. Don't get me wrong. I am not out partying and leaving my children at home on their own. But when he has them, 50% of the time, I probably go out and do something. And I never tell him what that something is.
Its perception, and it is 100% his problem, but it does make a little more sense now. Anyway, food for thought. Not much I can do about it.
Flysolo - just wanna drop by and tell you that I love your writing. I'm sorry to see you here, but I've enjoyed reading your words.
It's funny that you said we should not DB our children. The other day I was just thinking some DB principles could also apply to our relationship with children. For me I've really tried to validate as much as I can. also detach from the choices they make that you don't necessarily agree with (as long as it is with the boundaries you set). Obviously we want to love on our kids as much as we can, but sometimes they really do need distance. I have boys and generally I have to ask 1000 Qs to figure out what's going with school/friends. But I've learned that at times they will come to you when they need to. Sometimes the best thing to do is to be there and be the light house for them.
Just wanted to quickly stop in and offer words of encouragement.
None of us are perfect. (I myself fell down last week - hard) I think it's important to reminds ourselves that we are all human and we make mistakes.
It doesn't excuse particular behaviors or interactions, but I think a necessary part of growth and understanding is that we realize when we have done something that goes beyond our own morals, code of ethics, accepted methods of communication, etc.. (call it what you will)
Good on you for realizing what happened and for understanding how those interactions affected you both internally and externally. It shows a great level of self-awareness on your part. I'm sorry it ended in a series of negative interactions, however - looking at the positive side of things - you now have more potential areas you can work on.
This is so tough - but you're right, tomorrow is a brand new day.
When I said we don't DB our children I should have been more specific. Yes, validate. Yes, actions not words. But do not detach. Our children need to know we are there for them. The Yes and No responses only and do not initiate do not work on our kids. They don't need to know what it would be like to lose us. They need to know that we are always there for them no matter how badly they treat us.
The one thing I've always found difficult about the lighthouse is how to show our H/Ws that we are still there for them without seeming like a plan B. There is no such difficulty with children. I love you. I am here for you. Words I could never say to my H but I need to say more often to my children.
Thank you for the words. I am trying. It does feel sometimes that my snarky overly critical H has been replaced by my snarky, overly critical D13 and I have to remember she is not her father. She is a 13 year old girl pushing boundaries as she works out who she is.
Difference I guess is my ego is much stronger now and I can take the hits (most of the time) without falling into some blubbering mess.
My H came by Friday night to pick up D10 (he already had D13). D13 came into the house and ran upstairs to pick up some clothes whilst I helped D10 put on her shoes and jacket. H says to me "I have a package being delivered on Monday". Now, Monday is the 23 of December and I have booked a photoshoot in London for myself and the children and then are staying overnight, so I tell him no, I won't be around on Monday.
H: "You'll just have to pick it up from the post office on Tuesday (24th)." FS: "Im not sure what time we'll be back Tuesday and the post office will be heaving." H: "It's open until 6:00 - It's got [our nieces] present in it." FS: "I'm sorry. I can't guarantee I'll be able to pick it up." H: "Well, can you or can't you!! If you can't then I'll have to cancel." FS: "You'll have to cancel".
... as they walk out the door
FS: "What time are you dropping the kids off tomorrow?" H: "2 o'clock AS PLANNED' FS: "I was just asking. No need to be such a grump. Have a nice time with the girls" H: {slams car door and drives off}
And then yesterday, back to normal operations. I messaged him about what size shoe D10 takes, he dropped them off, we discussed presents for the girls, I wished him a great night, and he is back today at 1:00 to watch the girls whilst I do some last minute shopping.
So, and this is to Yail - he snaps when he doesn't get his way. He then retreats and we go back to normal. The difference now is I don't bite (other than the other day when he called me selfish and I threw him out).
D13 is back home. She is quiet, says no to offers of tea and breakfast, but is nearly talking to me again. I am trying the let her know she's loved but don't push too hard approach. It seems to be working(ish).
(((FS))). Just wanted to drop by to give you a virtual hug. I haven’t been on here for a few days so am a bit late to the “party”. I would just like to echo what others have said. I totally get where you are coming from about the house. If/when you sell, it will be a very big change for both of you. New house would be yours so he couldn’t come and go the way he is used to. Also no “us” memories in the new place so it would all just feel so different. But maybe this is something both of you need to face to move forward?
Thank you for your last post on my thread. I really appreciate your support of me and always want to return the favour so rest assured, I will reappear on your thread one of these days with a new account and let you know I am back. This forum of people really kept me going and I would like to be able to do the same for others.
I don’t know about you, but I am finding this time of year pretty difficult. Lots of thoughts about my “broken” family and my XH. I’ve seen him a couple times this week too which hasn’t helped. I do much better when there is no contact. My feelings for him are so confusing. There is a fondness there despite everything he has put me through...still some sadness and a deep sense of loss...not of him specifically...it’s more about the loss of our “family” and future times together we will never have. Till my dying day, I will never understand how he gave that up so easily. Anyway...I digress...it REALLY is this time of year that gets my brain working overtime. My kids are with him until Christmas morning and I miss them a lot. (((HUGS)))
D13 is talking to me again. Still quiet and a little sad, but she's eaten with D10 and I and she's initiated conversation a few times. Mainly grooming questions (what's a natural way to lighten your hair, how do I get eyebrows to be even) and a request to go shopping. But its a start.
Today I am taking them into London to do a photoshoot. We are staying in a hotel and then going ice-skating tomorrow. It's left everything a bit tight for Christmas, but it will be nice to spend some time with them doing something which isn't errands, house cleaning or homework. I will be up all night tomorrow though wrapping and preparing for Christmas.
My H came around yesterday. He has a two day trip (back Christmas morning) and he wanted to see the children before he left. He had them sat so it was a little strange, but as I am flexible when it comes to the kids, I didn't say no. He came around at 1:00. He is more or less always on time now (maybe that's his 180) and he looked and sounded a little under the weather. I asked him if he was OK and he said he'd gone out the night before. I said 'oh, that explains it' and left it at that. I didn't ask where he'd been or with whom.
He asked the girls to sit in the family room (D13 on the computer, D10 on the xbox, and him sitting next to her). I went out to get some groceries and then came back an hour or so later. I walked in and he was about to take our dog for a walk. He asked the girls to join him but they both said no. He came back and went and sat in the family room again. I put the groceries away, did some washing, tidied up a bit and then started baking biscuits for the girls. I called up to D10 and said 'Daddy's here to see you, why don't you spend some time with him', and she went and sat with him in the family room. Her on her phone, him on his.
This went on for a few more hours and eventually he came out, took some presents for the girls out of the car and then said he was going. He then told D13 that he was talking to one of his friends dads and then proceeded to tell me the conversation they had (nothing big, just about how much homework the other guys son does). I think it was his way of telling me what he did the night before without telling me. He asked D10 what we were doing in London (not me even though I was in the room) and she said "I don't know" (10 year olds not always great at answering questions, so I told him. I said that we were going to have 'family photos' done. I saw the look on his face when I said 'family', but he didn't say anything. He eventually left around 6:00 - 5 hours he was here.
I am writing this because a) he was here for hours to visit the girls and didn't actually visit them. He sat in a room by himself on his phone, b) he told me what he'd been doing the night before. I wonder (mind reading) why he does this. Is it for the same reason I do (I don't tell him, but I let it slip in conversation, "Oh, I was speaking to so and so last night over dinner and she mentioned ..." so that he knows I was not on a date?
---- why I don't ask him questions -----
He visited the girls about 6 months after he left and went to the grocery store for a few bits. He was gone two hours. When he came back I said 'busy at the store' and he snapped back 'You don't need to ask !!'.
