Just got back from visiting the in-laws. It was three hours of small talk, watching S play, and silence. I didn’t tell them about the affair, and only shared two bits of information about H. I can tell they were deliberately avoiding any mention of him, which I should have expected. I feel really agitated by all the words I wanted to speak but didn’t or couldn’t, so I’m going to blurt them here.
Number one. I mentioned that I had served H the separation paperwork this week. MIL said “oh, you’re doing it through lawyers?” As if to say, surely that’s not necessary? I just said yes and that it had all been verbally agreed upon, so hopefully H would just sign and return without changing anything. FIL said confidently “he wouldn’t do that”. I kind of just smiled and didn’t reply.
Here’s the redo conversation I’m having in my head. This did not happen.
IL: He wouldn’t do that M: Actually, a lot has happened since I last talked to you both, and H has proven himself to be supremely untrustworthy. IL: What’s happened? M: I would love to confide in you, but out of respect for your feelings, I’ll only tell you the truth if you want to hear it. You know that I am honest to a fault, and I hope that you trust me. IL: Of course we do. M: Well, I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news. H did, in fact, leave me for another woman. A 21-year old employee, actually. He has been making my life extremely difficult ever since, and it is virtually impossible to coparent with him.
I can’t actually picture their reaction to that information, so I won’t speculate further. The reaction would have been superfluous anyway. All I would have cared about was getting the truth out.
Number two. As we were saying goodbye, MIL mentioned she would be seeing S on Boxing Day. I said “Oh, are you all going to H’s place?” She said no, H would be bringing S over. I said “Oh good, because he isn’t supposed to take S to his place without sharing his address, and he hasn’t done that”. She reassured me that they would be spending the day at their place. I smiled and said that was totally okay.
I’m okay with how that went. Maybe she can encourage H to do the right thing. Or maybe she thinks I’m being unreasonable and controlling as per H’s tall tales. I don’t care. Again, all that matters is that the truth is out there.
I would have liked the chance to explain why H is no longer welcome in my home, or why I have no contact with him, or why I am no longer hoping to reconcile. Or even just to tell them that I’ve made those decisions. I will probably never get the opportunity, and even if I did, I probably wouldn’t bring it up. I just want to COMMUNICATE. It was like holding back rising floodwaters by holding my tongue. I don’t know if I can see them again. It’s too hard on me.
Arghhhhhhh. It feels good to expel these pent-up thoughts.
