Thank you. Yes, I have looked and printed her rules. I think I am feeling anxious since we've been apart so long and I want to rush things. I have a hard time detaching and moving on.
You can't rush the process and sitting around thinking of ways that you might possibly get him back quickly won't work. The best thing to do is focus on you, what you can control and how you go about taking care of yourself. You have two children that you need your attention. The holiday season is upon us and right now, your children are the main priority and getting through the holidays.
Oftentimes, when we have faith and drop the rope and allow them the time and space to figure things out, they become curious about what we are doing and then will reach out and want to begin doing things together again. Right now, he is an obsession/addiction that you can't let go of for free that he may not return. It's human nature to want the things that are out of reach, but we have to have faith that if we let them go, that they will/may return.
Alicia, If there are things about yourself that you think need to be changed, then work on changing them and make them a permanent part of your life.
Detachment takes time, but it does work. Giving them space and time does work. Focusing on you and your children does and will continue to work. If he opts to contact, treat him as a friend, do not question him, do not bring up relationship talks, just talk to him as you would a service at the local pub. The first step to reconnecting is being a friend and then allowing things to evolve.
As a reminder, we can't rush the process. If you attempt to do so, it may not work and you will have back peddled. Keep the focus on you and your children!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Where do I begin. Just picked up the book The Divorce Remedy. We have been apart for a year now and he flat out says he doesn’t want to waste time on trying. I don’t know what my next step should be. Do I reach out or not? He has said i never gave him space. He only remembers the negative things for some reason.
He said you never game him space...then give him the space and time he needs to figure things out. No, you do not reach out....leave him completely alone. Right now, he's going to remember all of the things that were negative w/the relationship, because he needs a justification for leaving and feeling the way that he does.
I know you are anxious and feel like you need to pursue him and make him see reason, but that will not work. What works is if you keep the focus on you and you begin to live your life as if he may not return. There is always a 50/50% chance that he will return, but only if he sees a confident woman who is living her life to the fullest. He doesn't want to see a needy, begging, pleading woman chasing after him. When he sees that you are moving on w/your life and actually beginning to enjoy life again, he just might become curious and want to reconnect and reconcile. What were you like when you met each other? That is the person you need to be. The person he met.
Take the time and read The Divorce Remedy. There are a lot of threads on all of the forums that may help you each poster comes here and has a situation that they need guidance and assistance with...but at the end of the day, they learn to save themselves and learn how to dig deeper for patience and find themselves once again. You can do this too.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you. How would he know if he is not in the same state anymore? Do I not reach out at all? We lived together for 4 years. Together for 4. My kids miss him still...He is cold and distant. When I was not anxious and all anxiety talk, he'd respond but then I lost if and started to over text and relationship stuff. He is cold again. I asked him what he wants me to do and he said "concentrate on you and don't worry about things you cannot change" :-(
He is telling you what he wants, i.e., he wants space and time and he wants you to focus on you and stop trying to change the things that you cannot change and/or control. Listen to what he's told/telling you. If you continue to contact him, he knows that you aren't listening to him and giving him the space he needs right now. Step back! Give him all of the space he can handle.
You have stated that when you weren't in the anxiety mode and possibly stepped back a bit, he would come forward and respond. Do what works! You know that being needy and anxious don't work, so step back, dig deeper for patience and get your inner strength and independence back. Dig deeper for that self confidence and be the woman he saw when he first met you. Needy, begging, pleading, etc. are not good qualities and they will run from that type of behavior very quickly.
He has told you to concentrate on you...so do it! Keep the focus on you and your children during this holiday season. Make the changes that you think that you need to make for yourself and they must become permanent.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you. It is hard after I have made so many mistakes by being needy and clingy. I pushed him further away. What should I do now? I have stopped reaching out. We are in different states now. Do I wait a month or three weeks and send something friendly? Do I just let it all go because he is done? Do I try to work on this by working on myself? I love this person I have lostI know all the things I need to keep working on, anxiety is one of them. I don't know how to change his mind - he is the most stubborn person I have met who sticks to his decisions once he makes them. How do I work on me and show him the changes? Is there ANY hope when one of us has moved on...and what happens to all the love? He used to tell me his feelings for me were so strong he didn't know what to do but over time things happened that caused resentment. He didn't talk to me however. He never sat down and said "this is not working, lets make xyz changes or we need to part ways". It has been a year and I feel like a fool. I have tried to go on dates but I cannot bring myself up to it. I do love my ex partner.
