Let me guess? You keep getting the "You can keep a knocking... But you can't come in..." From XW? LOL..Walls are funny like that. Sometimes they are meant to guard and protect. Other times they are used as an unnecessary weapon from a person that is hurt.
Actually I am not getting much of that from W. Lately W has been a bit more pleasant but I don't know what that means. Sharing some details about the kids over text, things like that. It is a bit of a cognitive distortion when she is nice to me, as she has also called me abusive and violent within the last 2 months.
Yesterday I had some bizarre drama, where one of my W's family members texted me out of the blue an insult. The backstory is long and convoluted and not very interesting, but suffice it to say I did nothing wrong and it's possible this person was joking (although he/she has proven to be a hothead in the past). But knowing this person, I think it was an emotional knee-jerk reaction and it honestly scared me a bit. I blocked the number for now.
IW had a great post on KG's thread today about our thoughts and how they are not reality. I'm thinking about it this morning.
Thoughts:
- My W *could* be buttering me up with niceness in advance of a potentially contentious D process.
- My W *could* be nicer recently because it's the holidays.
- My W *could* be nicer because she has some sort of internal struggle going on.
- My W *could* be secretly plotting the perfect D, and I am the unwitting victim here being strung along and taken advantage of.
- My W *could* be nicer because she thinks our current situation is working just great.
- I need a L ASAP and I need to get the D ball rolling. The more time goes on, the more I am sacrificing and stuck in limbo, not able to live my life.
I don't believe fully in any of the above, but from time to time they pop in to my head.
Reality:
I need to resolve the financial and custody issues in my situation. But I spend a lot of time problem-solving in my head. Taking a problem-solving approach is not helping. It worsens my anxiety.
I do not need to resolve my MR. If, for instance, we were sharing 50-50 custody, and I was effectively paying an appropriate support payment to my W, I could continue on without feeling pressure.
The house creates complication in our financial situation, since the mortgage payment alone is enormous (more than a max support payment).
A L would give me peace of mind, so at least I would stop problem-solving so much in my head.
Ideas:
I can't decide if I need to take the protective route or not. And how much I should communicate to my W.
On the one hand, my instincts guide me to tell her: "W, this situation is not working for me. I would like more time with the kids. I also think financially we are both stuck in limbo. While we get the mediation process started, I would like to explore a financial separation. Regardless of who is paying for what, there is more money going out than coming in, and this situation is not sustainable. We are effectively spending several K per month sustaining a situation that does not work. The house complicates matters of course."
Then I'm like... UC, cut out that NG cr*p.
"W, this situation is not working for me. I hope we can work out a settlement in mediation. I also feel like we are far apart in our goals for custody and finances. I will be retaining a L as an advisor for this process. I do not intend to go to a court trial, but I do think our situation is complicated enough that I prefer to have legal counsel."
Then I'm like... UC, cut out that NG cr*p.
"W, this situation is not working for me. While we pursue starting mediation, I will be retaining a L. I do not intend to go to court, but I do prefer to have legal counsel for this process."
Then I'm like... UC, just hire the L, you don't need to tell her at all. But then that seems like an act of aggression.
This is how my mind works... I can never make a decision. Sigh... need to go back and revisit my NGS methinks.
