For the first time, well, ever, I asked him to leave today. It was over D13. She had another incident the other night and hasn't spoken to me since. He said that I need to sort it out because it is becoming a joke. That I needed to fix things with her. I tried to explain that I was giving her space, and he responded reasonably that space wasn't what she needed, she needs to know that her mom loves her. He was making total sense, but just the tone and the accusation (perceived or otherwise) that this is all my fault, triggered the shut down response from me and I went into auto pilot mode - the overly detached, unmoving version of me. He called me selfish and unloving to which I responded "Well, you've made it clear you see me as the babysitter so what else do you expect" and turned my back on him, he kept talking so I spoke over him and said "See you later". I repeated it each time he went to say something until he left.
I know, childish, completely unnecessary and more than a little bit undignified. I just cannot talk to him without getting myself would up. And what he was saying was the right thing - even though he said it in his usual judgemental "you are sh!t at everything" way.
Tomorrow is another day. Chin up.
Nobody is a perfect person or parent. We try to be perfect because we think that it will draw our X back to us. One little mistake, and we fret. It's good to get to a place where you aren't worried about being perfect. You improve, you make mistakes, you improve from those mistakes. Don't beat yourself up. Just strive to get to a place where you're okay not being perfect.
