Hopefully you will eventually come to realize that he is not the cause of your problems, he is a "result" of them. Your problems stem from your W going through something. It's mental and emotional, she's confused and in turmoil and making extremely poor decisions because of it.
Rarely do this things happen in a vacuum. In the vast majority of cases that LBS's behavior was a major contributing factor. If they don't recognize and changes for the better that there is no reason to recon.
Yes there is the odd case where the WAS just goes of the deep end.
If this is the case then why wouldn’t counseling help with maybe resolving these issues? Of course if she is still in contact with the OM then counseling becomes a waste of time. I know my part in contributing to the affair. I realize I was never around, neglected her needs, didn’t make her feel attractive and wonderful, was always playing golf, and never spent a lot of time together as a family. Of course I have been doing those things for the past 5 months and this hasn’t worked.
She has acknowledged it and even mentioned I have been a great father and our son had benefited from this crap. She doesn’t see any benefits for her. Like today when I didn’t answer she just replies, somethings never change. I can’t win for losing.
Maybe the damage from the past is too much. What I do know is that at this point I need to focus on myself and my son.
I realize I was never around, neglected her needs, didn’t make her feel attractive and wonderful, was always playing golf, and never spent a lot of time together as a family. Of course I have been doing those things for the past 5 months and this hasn’t worked.
I can’t win for losing.
Maybe the damage from the past is too much. What I do know is that at this point I need to focus on myself and my son.
Hey BB,
I just wanted to make an observation as your words struck me. Not being critical at all, but I was pretty much the opposite of the dynamic you describe in the first paragraph, yet here we both are.
I think a balance is key. Not too far in either spectrum, what Dr Robert Glover calls the 'integrated male'.
Cheers, DS
Me: early 40's XW: nearly 50 T: 15 M: 5 BD: Jan 19 S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
^^^^ she is seeking validation of her own self-worth and ego by baiting you and stringing you along and using you as her plan B. Keep doing what you're doing because you're worth it. Really go NC HARD! Silence is your friend. If you make friends with it. Actions speak louder than words.
I agree with IH, you're staying on the right track. Stick with NC unless it's about the kids. She's not repentant yet, she's just throwing lures at you to try and hook you. If she does she'll never reel you in, she'll be content to leave you dangling on the line. She's got to think she may really lose you and she's not there yet. You are right, she continues to be disrespectful and defiant.
I agree with IH, you're staying on the right track. Stick with NC unless it's about the kids. She's not repentant yet, she's just throwing lures at you to try and hook you. If she does she'll never reel you in, she'll be content to leave you dangling on the line. She's got to think she may really lose you and she's not there yet. You are right, she continues to be disrespectful and defiant.
What are your thoughts on Christmas gatherings at her families home. I think I should stay away. They continually encourage me to just 'love her" but they don;t understand. You can't just "love her back". I am ready to just shut this all down.
It was very liberating going to a movie last night alone by myself.
What are your thoughts on Christmas gatherings at her families home. I think I should stay away. They continually encourage me to just 'love her" but they don;t understand. You can't just "love her back". I am ready to just shut this all down.
This is a tough one, if you didn't have kids I wouldn't hesitate to suggest you have separate Christmases with your own families. But even though I'm a proponent of tough love with waywards, I'm an even bigger proponent of uniting in support of the kids. And that may mean joint Christmas activities. If you do go then don't try to pretend to be a happy couple, just stay focused on the kids. If you don't go, well that's OK too. Maybe you don't go this year and just see how things are with her next year.
I was in this position last year. I decided to not do anything as a family. It was upsetting at the time, but if things don't work out, chances are this is how it will pan out in the future anyway ( ie future christmas days etc )..
I'm 12 months ahead of you and the best advice i can give is live for the kids and live for yourself..
I am in a better position that i was 12 months ago, and i know i'm the better parent. The children see this and its me they want to be with ( although she has them 60 / 40 ) - but they are with me on Chistmas day and most of the holidays - why ? ? ? - Becuase they enjoy being at my house more ( their words ) and they know when with me, they will have my full attention and fun.. I dont sit their with my head wrapped in my phone like WW does..
Make XMas about the kids and you - not her.
Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..
Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
I agree with IH, you're staying on the right track. Stick with NC unless it's about the kids. She's not repentant yet, she's just throwing lures at you to try and hook you. If she does she'll never reel you in, she'll be content to leave you dangling on the line. She's got to think she may really lose you and she's not there yet. You are right, she continues to be disrespectful and defiant.
What are your thoughts on Christmas gatherings at her families home. I think I should stay away. They continually encourage me to just 'love her" but they don;t understand. You can't just "love her back". I am ready to just shut this all down.
It was very liberating going to a movie last night alone by myself.
Love must be tough. Do what you want in regards to Christmas, I understand either choice. A man makes his own choices for his own reasons, and nobody could fault you for either.
I like AS's post. Kids/family time is where it's at for Christmas.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
"I might dropped my shoe down his throat while it remained on my foot. I digress, my soldier coming out."
I get that one. I know that feeling. Curb stomp. Its natural to feel that way, its mate gaurding. But short term emotions have long term consequences for you and you're family and kids. You have to keep cool, think logically, find yourself worth, and play the really long game. Your W is subject to her emotions. Look where that has gotten her in present situation. There is no honor in any person having an affair and all the justifcation in the world cannot purify it. Who is really the culprit here? The OM for seducing her? The XW for pulling away from the marriage? Or you for "pushing her into the arms of another man." Because if your past behaviors. I want you to really think about that without any guilt? You can't control another persom and how they feel. You can't control the OM. You can't go back in time and fix your mistakes. But you can fix them now and learn from them. At the end of all this. Even if it fails. You kept your vow. You did the honorable thing, and you learned and grew a lot. Just the way I see it.
There is no honor in any person having an affair and all the justifcation in the world cannot purify it. Who is really the culprit here? The OM for seducing her? The XW for pulling away from the marriage? Or you for "pushing her into the arms of another man." Because if your past behaviors. I want you to really think about that without any guilt? You can't control another persom and how they feel. You can't control the OM. You can't go back in time and fix your mistakes. But you can fix them now and learn from them. At the end of all this. Even if it fails. You kept your vow. You did the honorable thing, and you learned and grew a lot. Just the way I see it.
I agree with this opinion. Once my emotions are in check I realize how confronting or harming the OM would not be in my best interest. I will be fine in time. The death of any long relationship is very difficult to go through.
