thanks for your reply. I see what you mean: I have to articulate what my feelings and needs are to have any hope of a healthier relationship, rather than swallow everything in the name of peace. It isn't conflict really that I am trying to avoid - I am okay with us disagreeing and taking time to talk through a disagreement. I am okay with agreeing to disagree, or compromising - I would welcome that. But there are behaviours of his that I am not okay with and I want them to stop, and my asking for them to stop never ever ever has a good outcome.
Sometimes - I would say at least once a week or so, maybe more (and I am not talking historically, I am talking since he returned to the family home) H will do impressions of me being upset and crying and saying things that in real life I didn't and don't ever say. When he starts like this it's very weird - he can't seem to stop, even if I move away out of the room and ignore him for a while. It's hard to explain. But if he's angry or feels criticised he will resort to this. He'll hunch over and pull a horrible face and rub his eyes and speak in a high pitched voice and say 'oh, poor me, I'm such a victim, I've got such a horrible husband,' and things along those lines.
Generally what seems to trigger this is if I am persistent about something he doesn't like. The last time it happened we were talking about arrangements for seeing family over the Christmas period. He is taking the kids to see his family. I've not been invited and wouldn't feel comfortable going and I'm a bit sad about that situation. It isn't his family's fault, or his, or anyone's really - it just is what it is and I feel a bit sad and that's okay. I told him I felt sad (I also very carefully said I didn't think it was anyone's fault and I wasn't asking him to fix or change anything, stay at home, talk to his family or do anything at all). In response he told me I should think about how his family feel and how they have every right to be disgusted by me. I said yes, I am sure the way our marriage troubles have impacted on them is difficult for them but I'm asking him for some care and empathy about my feelings. That's when he started doing the impressions. It's very odd and upsetting behaviour. He does apologise for it afterwards but it always happens again. He doesn't seem to be able to control it. I would say he's under a lot less work stress than he was last year and earlier this year and he doesn't seem to be depressed or anxious to the same degree he was earlier in this year when he was behaving terribly most of the time.
I have spoken to him about this calmly. I've said I find it disrespectful and it appears like it is intended to humiliate me. I've said that if he really believes I think and feel the things he seems to be attempting to dramatise he is wrong, and our communication would work better if I could tell him what I thought and felt and he could tell me what he thought and felt and would he be willing to do that. He says he is doing that. I've said that when he comes close to me and tries to hold me or kiss me, the sight of him doing these impressions and the sound of what he says during them rings in my ears. That I fear that's how he really sees me and that's how he really feels about me. And that's why I struggle to be responsive to him or want to be close to him. I have said these things in as calm and respectful way as I can. And it has made no difference. In fact, I'd say he does these weird compulsive dramatics a bit more often now as he seems to know that it has an affect on me.
So in therapy I want to ask that he commit to stopping that behaviour. That he can be angry or upset or mistrusting or whatever he is - and he is welcome to communicate that to me in words like an adult. But that I need him to take responsibility for this odd behaviour and stop it so I can feel emotionally safe with him.
