It's strange in this physical S how you only get bits and pieces of information here and there. Maybe one new piece of information a month.
One recent revelation was that my W was telling her parents we were having serious problems long before I realized how serious they were. Of course looking back all the signs were there at that time. Maybe I was blind. She also wasn't communicating much, other than completely withdrawing affection (which I guess is a bright red flashing warning sign, but one of our issues was that she wanted no pressure when it came to affection).
I can't understand for the life of me why she didn't just come out in MC1 and say, "We are having serious issues" and instead chose, "I need more help washing dishes."
We went to MC1 last fall, and by the end I had agreed to stop pressuring for any type of affection, I was helping more around the house, I was basically doing everything I committed to doing in MC1. Then came the New Year. I remember her just railing me while we heard fireworks exploding in the distance that night. And then 3 months of silence, me giving my W space, not sure what to do. When I found the pre-BD evidence in March, my world turned upside down. I pulled over the car one night, pleading with my W, and she thought I was dangerous and scary. It all just went completely downhill. I wrote the apology letters, more quiet periods, we separated, more quiet, more distance...
But I look back to a year ago now, and I think maybe by the time I realized things were way off the rails (in March) it was too late. She was long gone. I thought giving time and space was the right choice.
I feel like I can let go of HER, but I can't let go of the fact that this all seems like it could have been so easily fixable. With some communication and compassion for each other. I know I am grasping at that elusive closure that so many people here never find. 2019 has been a year of h3ll. It started rough, it's not ending where I wanted it to, but I can definitively say I am happier in many ways.
